Family Time

It's Christmas Eve!! Merry Christmas!

This isn't going to mean as much to you guys, because you probably didn't even know there was a problem... but my big brother made it home! Yay! We thought he was going to be stuck in London, because Heathrow doesn't know how to deal with snow... but this little presh Christmas miracle made it home!

So, we're all home, safe and sound. The snow is falling outside, the tree is all lit, I have yet to start my Christmas Shopping... Things are exactly as they should be.

Being with the family reminds me of all the things I love about them. Like that in the morning, when we are all sitting around the table drinking coffee and talking, my mom can say something that will make me laugh so hard that I spit my coffee across the table. And, that unlike most families that would probably be horrified... mine just points and laughs at me... and then continues with whatever they were talking about.

And, I love that when I am home I get to sleep with my little snuggly spider monkey sister; that crawls into bed and instantly attaches herself to my side. I don't love it when the spider monkey snores in my ear... but certain things can get overlooked, I suppose.

Do you wanna know what is harder to overlook though?! That if you even look in the direction of the bathroom, that instantly three people run towards it, so as not to get the last shower. People have been wounded during this fight. Yesterday I lost...

I guess I can make it through a few cold showers though... because the rest of it is pretty damn good.

Touche

There are not a lot of things that I can complain about at my apartment complex... it has it's issues, but I love the area, so they are overlooked. Pretty much the only thing that pisses me off is the parking situation. It sucks ass.

If I get home after 7:00 at night, I can forget about parking anywhere close to the door. And, there was this one a-hole that always took up two spaces because he was a moron and couldn't make it between the lines. But, I took the liberty to help him out a bit and thankfully that is almost a non issue!

Well, last night, I got home at about midnight, which of course would mean that I would have to park forever away... but it was way to cold for all of that. So, I parked in the lined spot next to the handicap spot. You know the waste space, that provides extra room? There was no one parked in the handicap spot, so what was the extra room for, right?! And, since I was not actually parked in the handicap spot, I couldn't get a ticket, right?!

Well, I may not be able to get a ticket, but, turns out, I am now the recipient of my own little helpful hint letter!

This is what it says:

MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO PARK!

You neglected to read the signs and parked in the wrong category. Everybody has to live in this world, not just you. Exercise some consideration when you leave your large hunk of metal in this public space!

I TOTALLY LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To which I respond...

Dear Letter Leaver:

While I am not sure I share your passion for making the world a "better place to park", you are right and I shouldn't have parked where I parked. In my defense, there actually wasn't a sign for that particular "category" as you refer to it.

You are also right that I am not the only one in this world and I should be more considerate. Have you been talking to my friend Rynoplasty? He always tells me the same thing... but it's usually not because I parked in the wrong category... he must also not share you passion for the betterment of world parking.

Anyway. The point is, I am sorry and unless it is like seriously, seriously cold out, I won't park in the waste space.

I do have just one request for you though... that large hunk of metal has a name. It's Camry. Show some respect.

Yours Truly - Charlie Girl!

Christmas Business

In my family we know that the true meaning of Christmas is Jesus' Birthday. We even bake a special little birthday cake for the precious little baby in swaddling clothes...

But, when it comes to presents, we don't eff around.

By way of example, I will share a little email exchange amongst my family members.

Original email from my brother:

I know we're all very busy persons who could use a bit of suggestive inspiration to further accentuate our holiday shopping. As such, I propose that we follow a form similar to yuletides of yorn and compose a collective, though perhaps not comprehensive, wish list for "Santa's" consideration.

I'm sure we'd all completely appreciate our stockings being chocked full of lottery tickets and beef jerky again this year, but in case you crave variety, here's a chance to solicit something different.

Here's my list of hopeful items to find stashed under the tree...

Apple Magic Trackpad, Apple Wireless Keyboard, Microsoft Arc Touch Mouse, some AA batteries, double knot silver cufflinks, ties and, of course, aged single malt whiskey.

I've even included pics of the trackpad, keyboard, arctouch mouse and cufflinks. Charlie, if you've already ordered that Russian bride for me, you might as well not send her back.

Now, let's hear all of yours.

My response to the family:

Thank you for that list, brother. The Russian has been ordered, so I guess that gets me out of buying you the batteries.

Needs: Work clothes, a really good pair of jeans, black pointy toed heels. Please do not buy any of these items without me though, because it is imperative that I am there and authorize the item being purchased. I plan on being home on Thursday the 23rd, but would be happy to go shopping with any of your on the Sunday following Christmas to save you some money *read: allow you to buy me more things for the original amount of money that you intended to spend*.

Wants: A new purse, any type of body spray/lotion/perfume (please get matching sets of the same flavor and perfume purchases need to be accompanied by the lotions or they will be rendered useless), lip gloss (any flavor, but grapefruit... it reminds me of cat piss).

Well, alrighty then... that should do it for me.

The others have yet to respond... they will though, don't you worry. This is serious.

That Is How To Wrangle 'Em In.......

The other evening I invited a Gentleman over for dinner and a movie; I decided to make him a Chinese feast. Some girls, far more impressive than me, would have sliced and diced veggies and made homemade egg rolls... and for the record, I do know how to do all of those things... and I had good intentions, but I just couldn't fit it in. So instead, PF Chang and I created a skillet dinner for two out of a bag. Furthermore, my rice was microwaved and the egg rolls were popped into the oven about 10 minutes before he arrived... One Miller Light tall boy and a whole bunch of 10 minute, frozen food later... dinner was served.

I would also like to make a special note that while the skillet dinner was a great idea, in my opinion, I should potentially get a lid for said cooking utensil should I opt to go the bag route again...

Luckily, that portion of the food preparation was finished before he got there.

Either he is one hell of an actor or he actually seemed to enjoy the dinner... and even invited me out to meet him and his friend for a drink last night after my flight got in.

Pause: I typically don't drink during the week, but. This was a special situation... I had spent about 20 hours in airports in 48 hours and after 6 ridiculous flights, when I finally landed in Des Moines... my luggage was in Denver. So. With that, bottoms up.

Unpause: So, he and his friend are sitting in a booth and as I join them, my coat must have caught the table cloth. As I scooted... so did the place settings and their drinks, etc. This poor guy invites me to meet his best friend and I take the whole damn table out!

After the world class dinner I prepared and taking out the table, if I would have laughed really hard and accidental farted, I feel like it would have just been par for the course.

If those aren't some sure fire ways to impress a guy... I don't know what the hell is.

As It Turns Out

I am not quite ready to not laugh at people when they fall on their ass in the snow. I know I said I would work on it, but, just not yet...

Instead, I am still focusing on making the best of the winter season and not complaining... And, really, how can I complain when I remembered that because of the snow, I get to bust out my very favorite winter boots!!!!!!

Oooooh yeah, deaaad sexy!

OK, these aren't actually my fav winter boots, they are replacements of lasts years lighter brown version. But, I wore those boots to a farm and stepped in cow shit... so they were not allowed back in my apartment.

Anyway, these cheapo ugmo boots are so great and I especially like to wear them like the picture indicates... sans pants, only inside of course... like when I am cleaning.

Such a hot freakin look, I know.

A Little Of This And A Little Of That

Check this little precious nugget out. Meet Olivia!

Ms. Olivia is my friends little babycakes and guess what?!?! Tonight, I get to keep her while her mamma and dad go to Mary Poppins! I am totally jealo that I don't get to go to Mary Poppins because I totally want to see that show.... but, a cozy night in with this chick!? I am so excited!

In other news... it finally happened. Today, for the first time this winter season, I had to scrape my car. I am really trying hard not to be a complainer, because it is the middle of December... but I haaaaaaaaaaate snow and I hate driving in it and I hate scraping it off my car and I hate it when the bottom of my too long jeans get wet and then it makes my legs cold.

Ok, I will go back to trying not to complain. In fact, I will think of good snow memories... like last year, when I got to see my stupid, jerk neighbor fall on his ass when he was walking to his car.

Today I work on trying not to complain, tomorrow, I work on trying to be nice and not laughing at people when they fall on their asses. I am a work in progress!

That's Just Not Me?!

You know how some girls are super creative and always seem to have things in order?! Like the girls that always give the perfect gift and bake for people just because and are always super thoughtful about stuff...

Well..... that is just not me!

I try really hard to get things in order at night so my morning goes smoothly, but inevitably it is necessary for me to drop the F Bomb at least twice before leaving my house. And, because of my lotion/spray habit, I generally have an unopened bottle of something I can throw in a bag on my way to a birthday party... But, I wouldn't exactly call that creative gift giving... and I never bake for anybody. In fact, if I do have cookie dough at my house, it is not going in the oven...

But even I knew I hit rock bottom today when I suggested to one baby maker in my office to just give one of the gifts she got at her baby shower today to another baby maker in our office at her shower... And it didn't immediately hit me that that probably wasn't a great idea.

Weekend Randoms

I am doing this current bloggity blog post under pretty interesting circumstances... I came to my fav little coffee joint and it was crazy packed. I wanted to get a table so I could post, but they were all taken. So, I just stopped by a table with an extra chair and asked if I could join! I told them I would be super quiet, and let them know they wouldn't even know I was here. They obliged. So, here I am at a table with people I don't know and unbeknownst to them, they are the feature of my bloggity blog! Isn't that funny... and a little creepy?!

You can say that I am a lot of things... shy, would not be one of them!

Anyway...

Friday night my great friends and I decided to stay in and just hang out. We ordered a pizza, had great conversation and then..... wait for it..... Played old school NINTENDO!!!!

I am talking Super Mario Bros., Zelda and Track and Feild old school Nintendo!

Remind me to tell you when I see you in person, my "Mario" joke. It is hilarious, but only works if we are actually using our voices (you know, how people used to communicate) and not text/email/blog communicating...

Also, I met my Soul Mate this weekend. His name is, well, he actually didn't have a name, but I thought he definitely looked like a Roger.

I know I promised my parents that I would not get another dog... and I won't. Because even though I felt my broken lover starting to mend when I looked into his big brown eyes, I also saw trips outside at 4 AM in the cold and rain, so he could go potty... and I saw vet bills... and I saw poop on my carpet... But, man, it was hard to see past our connection to those negative things.

If there was ever a boy, dog version of me... it would be Roger... minus the lisp of course, because I also felt like Roger would have one.

Can Someone Get The Phone???

Oh... These darn Duggers.

Sometimes I watch this show and my tubes tie themselves. Other times, I am impressed by the fact that they have like 93 kids, they all take care of each other and the parents have managed to stay debt free by making them do manual labor, like build their house.

It is fascinating, really.

Other times, I just get curious. Which is why, when perusing their website and seeing a phone number, I gave 'em a call!

Yep. I did that. I think I was most curious to see what little Dugger I would get!

Turns out, it was a valid number, but I only got Papa Jim Bob's voicemail.

Like eight million people call into vote for their favorite dancing star... nope, not me. Someone who will call in to vote on a tv show is soooo lame... but those darn Duggers... I just couldn't resist!

A Bit Much

Typically (and by typically, I mean 99.9999% of the time) I will not be discussing my lady parts with you.

But, since this technically doesn't have to do with my lady parts and it was funny, I will share.

I am adult and all women do it, so I am comfortable with telling you that recently I visiting my doctor for my "annual womanly physical".

Turns out that I am not comfortable at all with telling you that and my face is for reals red right now!

Anyway... So, I walk in and they have plasma TV's all over the place talking about all kinds of great *read: kind of gross* women products. As I was diligently filling out my paperwork and trying to avoid eye contact with... well, everyone... I see a guy on the TV that I work out with almost every day.

As it turns out, he is a lady doc! I would have never pegged him as such either... He looks way more retail at Bed, Bath and Beyond than doctor... but, I guess it just goes to show you that you really can't judge a book by it's cover.

So for some reason, today, I decided to tell the doc that I saw him on TV at the office.

The exchange went like this:

CG: Hey, I have to tell you... I saw you on the TV when I was waiting my appointment last week!

*I still can't exactly remember why I felt the need to do this...*

Doc: Oh, yeah! I am an OB/GYN... There are a lot of ladies here that come in to me.

CG: I just decide staring blankly is best at this point... because all I can think about is the reality of just how much of so many of us (us not meaning me) this guy has seen and I am wishing so much I can take back my initial comment...

Doc: Oh, they all look the same though... you know, it is just my 8 to 5.

Maybe I am not mature enough for that whole exchange, because I really just wanted to respond with "Groooooossssssssssss!" before running away.

Shaka Dat Ass

I used to travel a lot when I worked at the software company and when I wasn't staying in Convents and on pig farms in order to pocket my per diems, I became very good at entertaining myself in hotels rooms.

I used to spend, literally, hours giving myself world class pedicures and meticulously cleaning and organizing my make up cases.

Can you imagine my surprise last night when, during a "what can I do to entertain myself" brainstorming session, I happened upon free fitness dance videos on TV?

Right after I made for sure, for sure, that my order was not going to result in a trick porn video charge on my hotel bill... I seriously shook my ass to "Bollywood Boogie"!!

I was so excited.

When the precious Bollywood girl said "You got it girls, you are dancing"! I excitedly shouted back, "Damn right I am!!!".

I got to dance my ass off, got a good little work out in, killed about an hour and I didn't even have a bar bill!

Really Waukee, Iowa?

I feel like this is a trick.....

A Letter to Llama

Dear Mamma -

I feel like you dropped the ball a little bit during my gestation period. I mean, I know it was nearly thirty years ago, but recently things have been brought to light that need to be addressed.

We have already talked about the Folic Acid situation and how you could have kicked it up a notch there, so I won't beat a dead horse... but one of the bazillion preggers girls in my office recently mentioned that she eats healthy because the baby can taste and develop food preferences based off of what the mother eats.

Um... did they have Charleston Chews back in the early eighties?? Were you taking in copious amounts of Starbucks' Carmel Macchiato? I feel like I would prefer eating my lunchtime carrots over gummy bears if you would have paid better attention to what you were putting in your pie hole!

I love you. I really do. Which is why I will look past the initial nine months we spent together and know that since that time you have showed marked improvement. But, thank goodness you did.

Taking A Month!?

Did you think that I disappeared?! I kind of did, I suppose...



I don't know if you have gathered from this little blogity blog, but I have a pretty routine life and I guess I simply ran out of things to talk about. Well... I ran out of things that I can talk to you about. Wink Wink... And, after my little precious baby sister left, I was feeling uninspired.



But, enough about all that! Here I am!



In order to find some inspiration, I even went home! Yep, that's right, I went back to Peoria and even though it has been only twice this year, I didn't even have to mapquest it!



It was such a great weekend. I got to visit my mom's "special" class of little precious dirty handed nuggets.



Sidenote: I have always had respect for my mom and the work she does, but after taking my germ-a-phobic ass to visit her class... I don't know if I should up my respect or just think she is crazy.



Little kids are so gross!! Sorry if you are one. Or own one. But, if you do, please make sure to have them bathe before school and blow there little noses and brush their hair...



Ok, I am done with that little tirade.



I also got to rock my Snookie costume at a Halloween Party with my mom, dad and brother.



When my brother was not demonstrating the very thin line between seeing and screaming at Karaoke, he was beating me with his cane slash sword showing me just how crazy Alex from Clockwork Orange was.



My mom would have to pause saving my life to hide in my dad's "TeePee" every time he got the Spartan Cheerleader Spirit. Thankfully, she had shorts on under her cheer leading skirt.



I need to visit home more often, because they are batshit crazy and I loved every ever lovin second of it!

Taking A Day

My little babycakes sister visited this weekend. She got here on Friday afternoon, so I had the entire, beautiful weather-ed weekend with her.

I don't want to talk about it though. Because since she left at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, I have just been feeling lonely and sorry for myself and down in the dumps.

Have you ever read the book Tuesdays With Morrie?? One of things that Morrie says is that if you are hurting, that is ok, you hurt for a day! Then, you deal with it and move on. So, a la Tuesday's with Morrie, I am giving myself until 4:00 today to just feel lonely and sorry for myself and down in the dumps...

Ok, maybe I will be done officially tomorrow morning. I think he meant to say a full calendar day, don't you?!

Whooooooopsiedaisy

It has been beautiful here in Des Moines. Seriously, every day is in the 70's and sunny... with no humidity.

Please hold...

Dear Lord. My smoothing product and I thank you.

Ok. I'm back.

So the other day Lil Bird breath and I rented bikes in downtown Des Moines and road all over the place! It was so. much. fun. I can't even tell you how great it was. You would just be jealous anyway and frankly I don't want to fight... so, just take my word for it.

Anyway... we were just about to take another lap around the sculpture garden when we noticed a large man in a wheel chair blocking the road way... Lil bird poop, being the sweetheart that she is, tried to go around in the grass... well on the way back to the sidewalk, the uneven surface-ness caused some problems and down she went.

What would a true friend do in the situation??? Instantly jump of my bike and run to my friends side to make sure she was ok?? Yes. Be concerned? Yes.

I hope that lil free-as-a-bird knows that she is such a great friend to me... And, I hope that she really is ok, even though I am pretty sure she suffered a bit of a skinned knee and bruised pride... and I hope that even though I couldn't ask if she was ok, because I was focusing really hard on not peeing my pants because I was laughing so hard, she knew I meant well... It was just so hard to focus right then!

Figure It Out, Ladies

You know that Lil Bird, up there, right!? She is pretty much my Iowa Sister/Mom.

Yesterday, I had friends visiting from Illinois, so I invited her along with me to meet them in Ames to go to an Apple Orchard.

I happened to be running low on gas, so we stopped, and since we were going to the Apple Orchard right after, I wanted to go to the bathroom at the gas station just in case the Apple Orchard only had porta-potties. Porta-potties are so flipping gross. So, I asked Lil Bird breath to pump the gas.

Well, I don't know exactly what happened... but when I came back out, Lil' Bird was all frazzled and there was gas all over the side of my car and her feet. She tried to explain what happened, but it seemed incredibly dramatic and I wasn't exactly following her story... so, I just took the receipt (which I am sure reflected fees for about a half a gallon of gas more than was needed) and left.

I will be honest here. I was totally thinking Lil Bird was a tard.

So, we get on the highway and the door ajar light kept blinking... So, we both opened and shut our doors really hard... waited.... still on!

My friend's 9 year old son was with us, in the back, so I had him do his door... waited.... still on! What?!

So, I asked him to scootch over and try the other one. Now, at this point, we are at the top of the on ramp for the highway and going about 7 miles per hour. I didn't want little Jaker to fall out, after all.

Open. Shut. Wait. STILL ON!?! WTF!?

It is then that I looked in the rear view and realized that the my trunk was just flappin away in the wind. You see, my gas tank opener is next to my trunk opener.

I guess that is what I get for judgin Bird. It is just a good thing that there are light indicators for special girls like us; because, I am not sure we would have ever figured that out.

I Was Wondering.....

...what is the percentage of Iowa State fans that are gingers? It just seems like a lot.

Future Plans

I love this little nugget so much. Like, seriously, so much.

If you don't know who she is, I would like to introduce you to my gorgeous baby sister.

She is coming to stay the weekend with me in two weeks... actually one and a half... and I can't hardly wait.

All this anticipation has me missing her and thinking about her a lot and it dawned on me that there is probably something that I should tell her and really, what better way to do so than via my little bloggity blog. After all, we are all friends here and there are no secrets. Right? Right?!?!

Anyway... back to the situation at hand. I vacillate between knowing that I am going to be completely happy on my own living life as a single, strong, independent woman and really wanting to be a mother and a wife. One of the reasons why I would choose the latter is when I think about who is going to take care of me when I am old and have problems with peeing my pants.

It is only then, that I can take comfort in knowing my beautiful baby sister and her future husband and kids will have a housemate.

Thank you in advance. And before you complain, my love, please remember that once upon a time, I had to change your diapers. This is only fair.

September Brings Goodbye

Goodbye 49. Helloooooooooo 50! Hello to another 50 or so good dustbustin years left, my dear clean freak . Hellola.

Goodbye 16. Good bye first year driver. Goodbye fresh teen. Once upon a time, you were my baby brother and now you are on the uphill climb to 20. Please excuse me while I go reminisce about your "Ba and Pha" and the fact that you will always be my baby brother.

Goodbye, 29. Hello thirty!!! Hello to your new oldy moldy balls. Hello B-rad!

Goodbye, 24. Hello late twenties. Hello great friends. Hello Car-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Hostess With The Mostest

Ol' Barack is coming to Des Moines today...

He will be attending a private party is someone's home.

I know what you must be thinking...

That I am hosting.

Well, nope... I'm not. I used up all of my streamers, red white and blue confetti and American flag napkins on Jim Gibbons. And, he didn't even freakin win.

Thanks, a whole heck of a lot, Jim.

A Helpful Diagram

I may have mentioned him before..... my neighbor and his disrespectful parking habits. I almost think sometimes that he intentionally parks on the line, instead of next to it, just to piss me off.

That probably really isn't the case, because I am pretty sure he doesn't know who I am... but, still, it seems like it is intentional.

Last night I came home late from a movie, to find that once again, this doucher parked in the space next to my car, like he was blindfolded.

I felt like it was a great opportunity to leave him a little note and a helpful diagram of just how a car should be parked!

You can't really see the top of the picture, but there are several more arrows with "CENTER" clearly displayed.

Hopefully this helps!

Wet Wednesday

This morning after Kickboxing I went for a quick run before I headed home...

And, it is a good thing that when Kickboxing is over you look like you got a bucket of water dumped on you because you are sweatin your balls off... well, if you had balls, of course... because it started pouring!

I actually totally loved it. Have you ever ran in the dark, in the rain?!

It is invigorating and instead of thinking about how much I ab-so-lutely hate running, I was focusing on not falling! A very welcomed distraction.

When I got back to my car, I was a disgusting, sweaty, wet mess.... but you want to know what, it felt A-MAAAAY-ZING!

I'll Do Me For Now

Just when I start feeling down in the dumps about being 28 and unattached and working a lot of hours.......

I meet these sexy things.

And, then I think.... I am 28 and unattached and work a lot of hours.......

A Picture Share

We are girlies... So before we head to the tailgate, we have a Mimosa!!!!

Doin it Classy!

Bottelson, Colie, Charlie-Girl, Lil Bird, Car-uuuuuuuuh!

Official Retraction

*Clearing my throat.........*

So. It was brought to my attention that a certain Llama I know did not actually push Flax Seed Oil to make my future babies smart... because that would actually only serve to help me have healthy bowel movements before and after the birth.

She actually pushed FOLIC ACID! Apparently, had she not missed a few dosages... this little mix up could have been avoided.

VitaCrazed

I really wanted to start taking vitamins on a regular basis.

Two weeks ago I decided that this was going to be a new initiative of mine. As you can imagine, I even had "Start Vitamin Regimen" on my weekly checklist.

So, in order to mark the box "Complete", I got a Woman's One a Day, Vitamin E and L-Lysine.

I remember one time that I heard someone say that L-Lysine was good for your skin, which is why that one made the cut.

Their are a couple problems with this new initiative. First, I don't know what vitamins I should really be taking. I know I want to be healthy and never get sick, I know I want to have totally beautiful skin/hair/nails and I know that I want to have tons of energy.... but if I were to choose based off that criteria, I would be taking about 73 pills every morning... and as it stands right now, just with the three I chose, I have to seriously psych myself up because they seem so big and they hurt my throat. I can't even do them all at one time... I just make sure that by the time I get to the gym in the morning I have them all taken, because doing them all at once, especially that early, just seems like too daunting of a task.

So, feel free to give me a call or shoot me a text with suggestions. As you know, leaving a voice message, unless you sing your suggestions or maybe tell them to me with a British accent, is not suggested...

And, Mamma the Llama, please feel free to call me, but do so just to chit chat. You don't have to tell me that I need to take Flaxseed Oil so your grand babies are smart... you have been telling me that for years and I love ya for it, but I get it!

Whiny Wednesday

Today is a day that I am going to be a whiny complainer. Ok?! Deal!

First, I hate voicemail. I see the missed calls. I get it. I need to call you back. It takes way too long for me to check voicemail but the little envelope glaring back at me every time I look at my phone drives me nuts! The worst is when the message says, "Hey, it's me, call me back." Oh really!?! No shit?!

Next, I hate read receipts. It makes me think you are questioning my efficiency and response time. If you sent it, I will respond to it accordingly and in an appropriate amount of time. I have a friend that puts Read Receipts on EVERYTHING... Even forwards. Was it really important for you to know that I received your stupid forward and have perused the tragic Walmart Nasties?!

P.S. Keep sending the Walmart Pics... they are funny. Let's cool it with the confirmations, though.

P.S.S. If you insist on leaving a voicemail, please sing. Or use an accent. Or be drunk. Really make it worth my time.

Let The Games Begin

Iowa State's defense rose to the occasion last night at the home opener in a 27-10 victory over Northern Illinois. Not that I would know, however, because I was watching the Real Housewives of Washington D.C.

And, Saturday we get to watch a real football team play ball when Iowa takes on Eastern Illinois.

I have said it before and I will remind you now... Iowans are crazy; they are very clearly defined by the college football team they support.

And, being the joiner that I am... I slap on that Hawk gear and just start talking shit.

Do you want to know what I am really excited about though??

The new line of Hawkeye clothes that Victoria Secret came out with, the trip with six of my best girlfriends next week to Iowa City for the infamous Iowa/Iowa State game, getting up early to tailgate, Saturday after Saturday of day drinking at Buffalo Wild Wings....

The obvious things to be excited about.

Because, if I am being completely honest here... why I would not be with all of you on this little bloggity blog... The only thing crampin my style is the actual game.... that I can do without!

Da da dada

Da da dada

BUM BUM

...

Da da dada

Da da dada

BUM BUM

What? You can't tell from that amazing Onomatopoeia what that song is???

Today is 90210!

So what if that show came out 20 years ago!

I happen to know that every Sunday morning on the Soap Network from 8 to 10 Dillon, Brandon, Kelly and the gang are hanging out at the Peach Pit.

Not that I watch or anything.......

I am just saying.

P.S. I got all by two things on my Checklist marked off and I still have all day tomorrow to finish it up!

Yeah, that's right. Be jealous!

I Operate...

In Post It notes and checklists. Without them, I would be lost. Not quite as lost as I would be if something happened to my Blackberry... but I can't even joke about that.

I have Post Its all around my desk and computer at work. Some of them say things that I have heard that I think are so funny and perfectly appropriate for all the time, like:

RUN WITH YOUR FEET, NOT WITH YOUR MOUTH!!!!!!

or

THE ABSENCE OF ADVERSITY IS THE ABSENCE OF KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE TRULY CAPABLE OF.

Some of the Post It notes have words on them that I have heard or read and I didn't know what they meant... so I Merriam-Webster dot com those babies and make myself use them in a sentence throughout the day.

I highly suggest using this method of increasing your vocabulary, because seeing the words every day really does help.

And, if it is not written on a Post It note, it is on a checklist. I have a "Work" checklist with work stuff on it (duh.) and a "Home" checklist with things I need to get done each week. This weeks checklist is as follows:

Clean Apt. (Deep clean)

Drop off dress @dry cleaners

Organize cabinets/files

Finish reading book

Buy new book

Clean compartments in car

I carry this list in my pocket book, so each time I go to use my debit card or ID, it is there... just challenging me to accomplish something. Each item has a little line in front for me to check off and let me tell you... that little checkmark feels oh so good!

Ok. Bye. I am going to accomplish something.

Bring Your Baby To Work

Today was apparently Bring Your Baby To Work Day, but I missed the memo on that one. Not that it would have mattered much, though, since I am pretty sure that by "baby" they didn't mean my super hot red peep toe heels.

What? I am working very hard to do just me right now! Don't judge!

I will tell you though, that if I did have a baby, I wouldn't do this:

Co-worker: "Awe, what a sweet little baby!!!"

Owner (in baby talk): "He says Thank You!"

Um... no he doesn't say Thank You. He is a baby and he can't talk and I am pretty sure that if he could talk, he would say he has crap in his pants.

Fresh Til The Death

If you are a big gigantic Jersey Shore fan, like my dad and I, than you know what G T L is.

Gym

Tan

Laundry

G T L is the process of stayin fresh. Ya dig?

Well, in addition to G T L, myself... I have an additional routine that happens every single time I go to the bathroom when I am "out".

My friends probably think that I have a pooping problem or something, because it takes me so much extra time to go to the bathroom...

But, I don't. Nope... I am just preservin my sexy and keepin it fresh.

L P G

Lipgloss. Perfume. Gum.

I will admit I do this. Every time. No matter what.

Fresh.

Question For You........

A little Dwight Schrute shout out with the title there.

Did ya catch it??

No? You didn't??

I should have known. I am pretty sure Dunder Mifflin only has one Employee of the Month and I am officially it. I even have the shirt to prove it.

I digress. My love for The Office is not the point of this point...

But, that is what popped into my head when I was thinking about this little example of a good question and a bad question I am about to lay on ya.

Good question:

(A call placed after my run today, after I remembered I have absolutely no groceries and there was a potential need to stop at Target for a salad...)

Charlie-Girl: So... How bad is my sweaty ass situation? Like go ahead and rock it on out bad? Or... Obscene, you should probably go home and change, bad?

Lil Bird Breath: Definitely a situation, but I think definitely go ahead and rock it on out.

A real friend is someone you can call to discuss a sweaty ass.

Bad question:

(On The Today Show this morning... when talking to a girl in the girl in the crowd before a break.)

My Great Friend Al Roker (we did shake hands after all): Hi! And is this your brother??

Girl: *Blankly staring*

Girl: No, this is my sister.

My Great Friend Al Roker (in his head): OH SHIT!!!!!

Age Appropriate

Yesterday was absolutely beautiful. The humidity finally let up a little bit, so my afro puff finally had a chance to deflate.

To celebrate I headed out to watch my very most favorite Dueling Piano group, Pianopalooza(Oh... Tony Bohnenkamp... I heart you...), that was doing an outdoor show.

There were a lot of people out watching, but in the grand tradition of adults, we barely put an effort into a clap, let alone danced.

Not the kids though, they were jammin out.

How great would it be to be a kid again and simply not give a shit. No preconceived notions or insecurities or hindrances.... Man, that would be great.

But, I digress. Kind of. There was one little girl on her own and then a group of 3 or 4 other kids playing and dancing together. She saw them and slowly began to dance her little way over. But, they weren't paying attention to her. So, she just stood there and watched for a while. Finally, they looked her direction and she did the obvious, most appropriate thing for that moment.

She held her dress up over her head and flashed her undies.

It wasn't a quick flash either. She stood there in all her Dora the Explorer undies glory and may have even pushed out her belly a little.

Can you imagine, if at my next networking event, when those awkward moments inevitably happen, I confidently held my dress over my head for a minute or so and then threw out a couple of business cards?!?!

I Knew It....

I struggle with a seemingly unrealistic fear... I guess it isn't a "fear" necessarily, as much as a healthy concern...

I am concerned that if you eat an apple, for example, and accidental swallow the seed, that there is potential for an apple tree to grow! Now, I know you are thinking that I am crazy, and I admit that it does sound that way. I think I know realistically that I am not going to have an apple tree growing in my belly... but it still freaks me out if a seed accidental slips by.

I shared this concern with some friends recently, while eating at a sushi restaurant. The sushi roll I chose had salmon eggs on it, which prompted the conversation and my explanation of the concern I had for giving birth to some baby salmon within the next 28 to 30 days (the gestation period for fish... duh.)

Well, would you know... just when I thought my fear was unfounded...

I hear about a man in Massachusetts that was diagnosed with lung cancer, only to find out it was a SPROUTED PEA!!!

Not only that, upon further investigation I found out that a Russian man went to the doctor with chest pain and there was a small fir tree branch growing!

So... No more seeds for me.

Clearly, you can't be too careful these days.

Everybody Poops

I have been terrible about my little bloggity blog lately. I was totally feeling sorry for myself yesterday thinking about it too...

Oh my goodness, work is so crazy busy!

Man, I have to deep clean my place... I have officially been a lazy ass for like a week about it!

I can't blog today, because I have to run errands... and see a movie... but mainly run errands.

In the midst of my pity party, it dawned on me.

EVERYBODY POOPS! Everybody is busy, every body has to clean their house and dog sit for friends and run errands with a movie break in between and grocery shop and work super hard...

So, no excuses!

I will handle my life better and stop neglecting this little love of mine.

Fun Filterless Family Excerpts

My amazing parents took all of us punks to New York City last week! It was such a great trip, my mom and dad celebrated their 33rd anniversary and my momma celebrated her 50th birthday! Can you believe it, check her out... she doesn't look a day over 29!

Jeez... I couldn't make her younger than me! 29 it is! She is a hot momma, regardless!

Even though my entire family made fun of me for bustin out my notebook periodically throughout the trip, I took the liberty of jotting down some things that fell out of our filterless mouths!

As you probably assume from my ramblings, there is no shortage of personality or mouth pieces in this crew....

Here goes.

"Oh, are you afraid some rubbed off while you were sleeping???"

-Chelsea, on me applying a fresh coat of lipgloss as our plane was landing.

"Look at Charlie. Having to try all hard as hell. Me... I just woke up this way."

-Kaleb, when we were trying to leave in the morning and I was frantically straightening my mane.

"Big K. What you were expecting. Hovercrafts?"

-Kristopher, when Kaleb remarked how unimpressive New York City was as we were driving in.

"Ok, Mom, you look like a thousand times better. Dad... you still need a lot of work."

-Me, while teaching my parents how to pose for pictures.

"Quick Charlie! Show your boobs!!"

-Mom, while trying to get the polar bear's attention at the zoo.

"Who is keeping an eye on that little short girl??"

-Mom, on who was making sure Chelsea was safe.

"You look just like an angel... and then you open your mouth."

-Chelsea, on me... just in general.

"Kim and Kourtney... Put your damn phones away!"

-Mom, letting Chelsea and I know we needed to be a little more in the moment.

"Well, you guys are just a bunch of smart asses aren't ya..."

-Poor dad! On his lovely fam!