Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Priorities

I met an old friend after work for a quick drink and then came home and started cleaning. The second I walked into my bedroom, I just turned around. My closet is just out of control. Not with clothes or shoes necessarily, but with lotions and sprays. I have a serious problem. This is not the first time we have talked about this.... All I can say is it has gotten worse.





But, that is not the biggest issues. I threw in a load of laundry and decided to head out for a run. And by run, I mean a light jog. Oh shut up, quit judging. While I was lightly jogging, I was racking my brain trying to think about organizational options in regards to the storage of my lotion and spray collection. I can't stand all of that product just being thrown into my closet after each use.





I made it back home and went to grab a water from the fridge.......


And instantly it dawned on me... Maybe I should just store my collection in there. I am pretty sure my milk, two waters and one lone soldier Coors Light won't mind.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Rule Of Application



Before going on a trail run at dusk, do not apply copious amounts of Strawberry Fizz flavored Victoria Secret lip gloss.
I am far to busy thinking about how jealous I am of people that say they like running and actually mean it and much to occupied with focusing on not tripping to worry about swatting gnats away...
I will spare you the details of the result of said activity when I arrived back at my apartment. But, I can assure you, it is moments like that, that I am thankful there wasn't anyone waiting to give me a big welcome home kiss... because they may have barfed on my shoe.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Just In The Nick Of Time

Thank the Good Lord that I made it out of London when I did. Not that I didn’t love it there, but I was ready to leave. As was my pocket book. But, since I made it out only a week before, I can’t help but to just think that it could have been me. I would have been a fortunate one, since I made great friends while I was there, that would have allowed me to stay. But, I always like to be equipped with a plan and make sure that I would be self sustainable, should the worst happen and I not be able to make arrangements to leave the airport.

So, here are some money making ideas I came up with, just in case I am ever stuck in Heathrow with a Volcanic plume situation to deal with:

Read novels, out loud, to people that want to be distracted by the fact that they are stranded. This offer would only apply to English speaking travelers.

Provide creative cooking and entertaining demonstrations, using only vending machine items. Additional fees may apply depending on the amount of vending machine goods necessary for said demonstration.

Start a “French Braid Stand” for weary travelers that want to still look their best. Specialty braids, as in more than one straight down the middle, would of course cost extra.

Match maker services. I personally think this one is going to be a crowd favorite.

Counseling services and financial advice. Again, this offer would only apply to English speaking travelers and those that utilize American and English currency. My week in London has obviously afforded me enough knowledge about the Pound to give sound financial advice.

Outsource to someone with IPod speakers… Begin instructing Kickboxing (the version without gloves or a bag), Yoga and Dance* classes.
*Price break for those also utilizing Match Making Services.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Blast From The Past

I was looking through some old emails and things today and came across a situation I wrote about last April. Poop stories are always funny and never get old, as I am sure you would agree... So, I thought I would share.

Enjoy.



For the past 3 1/2 years I have worked in a very small office with only, at it's peak, about 4 other females. I am currently in an office of about 60, about 45 of which are female. Something that I am having a little bit of difficulty adjusting to is the bathroom situation. For instance, I just tried going to the bathroom, only to be stopped at the door by a woman telling me "not to go in there, unless I was about to pee my pants...". It is not even a one staller... some body shut the whole facility down in with one B.M....



This bathroom situation seems to be quite a trend in my life, as it turns out. Last night, I went to Mexican restaurant for a friends birthday. After about 4 margaritas I decided I could finally break the seal and headed to El Bano. As I was walking up I saw a girl, about 10, walk in. I saw her, she did not see me. Or hear me, apparently. So, as I am standing there waiting for my turn, the one girl starts having a conversation with another young girl, also oblivious to the fact that I am standing there listening to the whole thing. This is what unfolds:


Girl A: I have to go poop so bad, but it won't come out.


Girl B: I do too, we should push.


Girl A: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh


At this point, I am not only embarrassed for them, but I really do have to pee. So, I tap my foot to alert them of my presence.


Girl B(in a stern little voice): Amy, stop talking.


Girl A: Why?


Girl B: We are not alone in here.


Then silence.


Girl B(clearly the brains in this operation) then exits her stall.


Now, I kind of feel bad for truncating this poop party, so I asked her if she was really done or if she needed to finish her poop. She looked at me with blank look and said she was done... then left without washing her hands.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Motherly Chats

Each morning, on our way to our prospective jobs, my mom and I talk on the phone.


Today’s conversation went like this:


MTL*: So. I went on a date my last night!


CG: Oh yeah. With who?


MTL: My husband, your father. Dumb ass.


(Well, I think she said dumb ass, because the phone kind of cut out. It would be a safe assumption though, because she calls me a dumbass at least once during every phone conversation we have.)


CG: I see. Just making sure. How was it.


MTL: Oh, great. He is really cute and I totally tried to get it on with him, but he wouldn’t.


CG: *About to gag.*


MTL then proceeds to tell me all about her date…


MTL: So, did you have a date last night?


CG: Nope, I got nothin. Dry as a bone.


MTL: Probably because you are so ugly.


CG: Yes. Probably.


MTL: K. Gotta go! Love ya!


CG: *WTF just happened*



*MTL: Mamma the Llama... What she is and has been affectionately referred to for no reason at all that I can recall.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

An Email Exchange: Peer Pressure Attempt Thwarted

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.



From: K Sista

To: Charlie - Girl

CC: J Dub


Charlie-


J Dub stopped by my desk to express his deep feelings about the pub crawl this upcoming weekend. I believe he wanted me to tell you that he ‘is PISSED’ and just wants you to know.


From: Charlie - Girl

To: J Dub

CC: K Sista


Dear J Dub,


Please accept this email as my sincerest apology for not being able to attend your Pub Crawl event on Saturday, April 17, 2010.


As I am afflicted by a “Binge Drinking” problem, events such as pub crawls, that make me feel like I need to power chug shots to keep up, are not exactly in my best interest.


Further, pub crawls that I have attended in the past have resulted in bruises, loss of cell phone and car, overdrafts on my checking account and dates with boys that appear to have been recently incarcerated.


I hope you can appreciate that while your friendship is important to me, not attending this event is important to my personal, physical and financial well being. I look forward to future communication with you in regards to this situation.


Very Truly Yours,


Charlie - Girl

Monday, April 12, 2010

Sandy Snappers


You might assume that beer league volleyball teams don't practice in advance of the official game play and I would tend to assume the same... So, this morning, when I got an email from the team "Coach" that practice was at 7:00, I was a little surprised.

Moves like this, however, were not practiced... In fact, the "Coach" announced at one point that if she ends up in the sand, we need to help up her up, because she fell. She assured us that there will never be a time when she dives for the ball...

I would say we were operating, on average, about at a 30% effort level...

Good thing we have a about three more weeks of practice time. Because, by then, we might not be required to wear helmets...

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Dollar Dollar Bills Ya'll


I could not wait to get home and stimulate the American Economy, so happy that I didn't have to multiply every price tag by 1.6%.



So happy in fact that I went to early church this morning so I could be at the mall right when it opened.



I was little early, as it turned out, so I waited, checkbook in hand singing I Am Proud To Be An American....


God Bless the USA!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Eleven London Observations, Experiences and Facts

1. Tuesday on my walk back to Kristopher's place from the Tube Station a man, an artist, stopped me and gave me his card. He said, "Watch for me, love, I will be big...". He must be very efficient with his craft, because he apparently spends at least every morning and every afternoon at this cafe where I first saw him. And, every single time I pass him he asks if he can give me his card. I respond politely with, "I already have it!" and he responds with the same convincing conviction, that he is going to be big someday. Yep. I get it!

2. Today, I sat in a Canadian pub watching the Red Sox play the Yankees, while drinking a Guinness. That all just seemed a little funny to me. On a sidenote, I later found out that that is the same Canadian pub that Kristopher told me about just a few days before and with tons and tons of pubs, the likelihood of me just happening to go to that one was very slim. Still, just a little funny to me.

3. I met up with Kristopher's co-worker, Kiran last night. She is Persian and Indian, which happens to equal beautiful! Our lives couldn't be more different and we live thousands of miles apart, but sometimes you meet someone and you just feel like you have known them for years and you could just talk for hours. That is what happened and for that, I am so thankful!


4. Sometimes when having girls night with your new found friend, you end up in interesting places and in search of "Spotted Dick"... which I am told is a very English Dessert... She may or may not have been screwin with me.


5. I am learning that it is OK to be quiet and to relinquish control to your mind. I wish the people sitting behind me on the tour bus I joined today would have known about that too... I think the guide was funny, because people kept laughing. But, I wouldn't know.

6. There are girls here that can apply liquid eyeliner on the tube. It takes absolute concentration, on my part, to simply remain standing.

7. People drink here at lunch. Sometimes a lot, it seems.

8. My OCD tendencies kick in here about every three minutes or so. At which time I stop to make sure I have my passport and keys to Kristopher's place. I tend to me a nervous traveler.

9. There are Chauffeurs here that drive you and your car home if you have had too much to drink. (Lil Bird... did you hear that?! Do you totally want to move here right now?!)

10. There is a store here called Sweaty Betty... They sell work out clothes for women. Pretty much one of the greatest store names ever!

11. English children are absolutely, ridiculously adorable. Seriously... when they talk.... there sweet little voices and precious little accents... Ohhh Eeemmm Geee... And, the little ginger ones. Seriously?! Could I declare that through Customs?! $300 in goods... one ginger...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

As If I Couldn't...

My paying attention to my brother paid off... I flawlessly traveled between tube stations, walked from location to location and even took a bus!

My first challenge of the day was to go see the changing of the guards. I decided that I would like to do this at about 9:45 this morning, I hadn't had breakfast and had no idea where I was going. But, after a quick stop at Starbucks and a check of my tube map, I made it with time to spare! My only issue is that I didn't get to read more about what all the formality meant. That may be a stupid statement, but knowing the meaning behind it all would have made it that much better. I did love, though, when the little girl behind me said, "Nooooothing is appenin, mum... this is soooo boriiiiiiing."

Do you totally love it when I write things like they sound in my head?! Particularly the English accent, I am sure...

Anyway, I am not saying I felt exactly like the little girl, because I thought it was awesome, but I should have done my homework.

After the changing of the guards, I kind of just wandered around! It was probably 60 and sunny here today and being able to simply just wander was amazing.

I did have to make a pit stop at the stupid post office to mail a stupid package for my stupid brother...

aaahhhhhhh.... deep breath....

Ok, so my brother isn't stupid... but that damn post office stop did kill nearly an hour! My number in queue (love it!) was 87 and they were at 12. Yeah... uh huh. Literally sat there.. 23... still waiting... 42... still waiting! 57... Uh huh, you guessed it. Finally!

After that little pit stop I went to the National Gallery, where I opted for the audio tour. I didn't want to continue to wonder what the hell things were as I did at the guards...

After the National Gallery my wandering led me to Westminster Abbey and Big Ben. They were so beautiful. Since I have been here, I just can't bring myself to listen to my IPod or anything because I just want to take it all in. I want to hear every accent and language and every sound the city makes. While I was standing near Big Ben, I made myself stop again, for very much the same reason... to take it all in. It was such a beautiful day and I was fortunate enough to be standing in front of something most people, including myself until now, only could experience through history books and television. I just wanted to be in that moment for as long as I could.

aaaahhhhhhh! Deep breath, again, sorry, it was just so awesome!

I stopped at this cute little gastro-pub (love that too, that just means bar the serves food!) for fish and chips and a Guinness. Seriously, I really had fish and chips and a pint of Guinness. When in Rome, right?! Clearly that was not on my carb/protien approved food list, but what can ya do!?

As I was leaving, very close by, I notice The London Bridge Experience, which I wanted to go to. I am a dork and the average age of its audience is probably about 12, but whatev. So, I was trying to poke my head in to see the prices and one of the goblin actors that was manning the door stopped me and asked if he could help. I told him that I was just checking the prices... He asked for how many, I said one. He then asked me what I was doing that night and told me I could go in for half price the student rate. Because I didn't want to pass up the half price student rate, I agreed to meet him at the London Bridge Pub when he got off work in an hour or so. So. Yeah. I can honestly say I have never been asked out by a guy with blood caked on his face and clothes...

During part of the tour you had to get your picture taken, so of course they can sell it to you later... So, I am in line and the first group goes up... a family of about 6... then the next group... a group of high school friend, there were 4 I think. And, then me! Before she flashes the pictures, she announces very loudly... "Are you alone?!?"... Right when I was about to tell her about my boyfriend that mans the door, probably a friend of hers... she asks some random girl from the line to please work the camera, so she could be in the picture with me, so I didn't have to be alone. And, who says London locals aren't nice to tourists?!

So, on with the tour we went... I am sure that you have gathered from my inability to watch scary movies and my deep fear of thunderstorms that I am not the best person in the world to take to a haunted house situation. So, that being said, please believe I didn't have any problems with grabbing the 75 year old German man in front of me, that literally spoke zero English, when scary things happened.

After all of that picture business and my new found friendship with the German grandpa, it seemed like years had passed. I was quickly brought back to reality, though, when I made it to the gift shop exit only to find my goblin... all showered. My stomach dropped. How in the world was I going to get out of this one!? Thank goodness, he just wanted to see how I liked the experience to confirm plans. Yep, 7:00 at the London Street Station Pub... Yep... see ya there.

And, too the Tube I went. As fast as my legs would carry me! Thanks for the half price though!

Now, for tomorrow! I am thinking Harrods!
Align Center

A Picture Says A Thousand Words...

But these pictures just say the following...

"I will be the best damn tour guide London has ever seen... I got my purse and my hat and I am ready to go!"


"OMG, I am totally standing in front on Big Ben right now... So what if I have to ask a perfect stranger, that doesn't speak English, to take my picture, this shit is gettin documented... "


"Where are my pants?!?!?"

"Happy Easter Mom and Dad!!!"


"My sister is enjoying this bus ride way more than most people... and certainly more than me." "By the way... Where is my hat and my purse?!?!"



Monday, April 5, 2010

City Explorations

For the past two days Kristopher has given me a crash course and overview of London. I love this city. It is so beautiful and busy and interesting... I love that I can look at a building that has been here for hundreds of years and know that it has a million stories to tell and then look across the street and see an Aston Martin.

Before this, about the farthest I have traveled is to Dominican Republic... I felt so fortunate and thankful and grateful... It was so beautiful and the people were so kind. Here I feel incredibly uncool and unfashionable and unintelligent. While the people have, so far, also been very kind, I can't help but to think about the small little shell in which I live. I am getting a little off point though... More on my new found inadequacies later!

So, tomorrow Kristopher leaves... He has left me with a crash course in the tube station, an outline of what stops I need to take to certain things I have in mind, a map, a cell phone that has no minutes on it (and he is not exactly sure where to load it) and memories of our two days together quickly exploring the city.

I wish he was staying, because I am not gonna lie, I am a little nervous. I am never more than three feet away from my Blackberry and I am never not without cash. Now, I am fine in regards to the money and potentially the phone... but just having those two major things a little bit out of my control is really throwing me off.

Oh well... I will be fine and I have a long list of things that I need to do and see!

So, wish me luck! More to come soon!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Travel

Ello!! I made it to London! The first day of my trip was spent traveling... literally, the entire day. And, with that, since I am now a travel expert, I have some helpful hints... or in my new English accent... Elpful Ints.

1. When choosing a cozy location to begin an ungodly nine hour layover's worth of reading, DO NOT sit directly in front of the Arrival\Departure Board. All of those people eagerly walking up to you can cause quite a bit of confusion. While I did feel like I was seriously popular... all those people gathered around me the way they were... I was left with such an empty feeling as they walked away without so much as a Hello...

2. When you have had enough of the false attention and you realize that you have only killed about 45 minutes of your 9 hours, don't be afraid to leave the airport and go searching for a place to get a pedicure. When in need of killing time, a pedi is ALWAYS a great idea afterall... Further, don't be afraid to ask the girl at the salon if she minds if you just sit in the pedi chair for a while.... or three hours... or until someone else comes and they need the chair. I can assure you, it is much quieter than the stupid "Security Level Orange" announcements and the magazines are free.

3. To the traveling public: Please, please continue to indulge your childhood tendencies of putting on any and every article of clothing that you love. Continue to completely abandon any and all social standards regarding colors, patterns or most importantly... size. You are on vacation after all and you are certainly serving to entertain me on mine.

4. Dear traveling parents: Merriam Webster defines a germ as a small mass of living substance capable of developing into an organism. Admittedly, my tubes probably tied themselves every time a baby started to scream on the plane while I was trying to sleep... And I will admit, I am no expert at child rearing. However, I do know a thing or two about cleanliness and germs and the sight of those adorable little punks crawling around, bare flesh touching the floor, made me want to lose my complimentary mini pretzels. Have some standards, man. Really.

5. Don't fart on the plane. That's all. Just don't.

6. Finally, when you get to your destination, don't be overzealous with your attempt at showing how adept you are at taking direction. I knew I was sure to impress my big brother with how fast I made it to his place, practically running from station to station in the rain... But, then, it was as if I was being punked... No one was home?! Being the shy girl I am, I flagged some poor man on the street down, batting my sleepy eyes and used his cell phone... NO ANSWER... So then I sat and waited at Starbucks until my host woke up... I am pretty sure he was still impressed with my direction taking skills though...