Family Christmas

This Christmas is the first Christmas in all of my 30 years on this earth, that I will not be spending it with my parents and my brothers and sister and I am getting sadder and sadder by the second.

 

I know this might sound silly because I am grown woman, and it is just one day, but I just can’t shake it!

 

They are all going on a cruise and because of schedules/work/fiancé/ etc., I couldn’t go.  To be totally honest, when I made the decision, I wanted to be able to spend the holidays with Fiance and he was not able to go, so I decided to stay.  And, I know I am being a total jerk, because anytime Christmas is brought up I mention that I am not able to  spend it with my family… and he always says that he is my family too… and I know it probably hurts his feelings a little bit… but it just isn’t the same.  Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, I can’t even talk about it right now, because I just can’t.  So, moving along…. Since I am not able to be there, here are some things that they need to know and/or do:

 

Mom and Chelsea – As often as you remember, please remember to talk to Kristopher in a British Accent.  He may act like it annoys him, but he really appreciates and makes him feel more comfortable.

 

If someone has to get tossed off the ship for some reason, it should be Kristopher.  Thanks to all his MMA/jiu jitsu/other training I can’t remember - training, I am confident he is in the best shape to swim back to shore.  I am not sure the others could make it, so he is gonna have to take one for the team.

 

Kristopher and Chelsea – Race Kaleb up the stairs like we did in our hotel in New York.  He likes the competition and talking crap.  Also, put sun screen on him, he has a tendency to burn.  And, I have a feeling he might be a little bit of a cruise ship ladies man… so don’t cramp his style.

 

Everyone – Please watch over Chelsea.  She is so tiny and even though she thinks that since she is grown, she really is just a tiny little baby and needs all of us to protect her.  (She can get kind of feisty and scrappy though, so be on alert at all times.)

 

Kristopher, Kaleb, Chelsea and Mom – Don’t let dad where his big ol’ white socks with his Velcro sandals.  I don’t think any additional explanation is needed here, right??

 

Kristopher, Kaleb, Chelsea and Dad – I have taken mom on a cruise and she is totally nuts.  And, by nuts, I mean she is the very most exciting, excited, fun person on the whole ship.  Because of this deep desire to have the best adventure of her whole life in those 7 days, she is a real risk taker.  So, be careful with excursions.  International hospitals can be a bit sketchy.

 

While I may not be there with you in person, I will be carrying around each of you in my heart.  So much.  And, if you start to get sad, just think about how bitchy I get about things like eating and drinking noises and how mad I got with Chels and Kaleb got drunk on the Mexican vacation and I freaked out.  I am no fun anymore and a totally pain in the ass!  So, have fun!  Just come back safely.  Ok?

Babies Are Cute, Not Manly

Yesterday Fiance and I were getting some Christmas shopping done and on our list was a new addition to his side of the family, Wiley.  Wiley is his cousins two month old little babycakes!

 

Me:  Oh my gosh!  Look at this precious little rabbit sleeper!  It even has little ears!

 

Fiance:  Uuuuh.  No. 

 

Me:  Whatever.  He is a sweet little babycakes!

 

Fiance:  He is a boy.  Not a rabbit.  *He holds up a tiny leather jacket.*   He needs this, its manly.

 

Me:  And, is he going to change our tire while we are there?

 

To that, he just walked away.  I think it is less because he thought I was being unreasonable and more because he realized at that moment that I was absolutely right.

Passing Zone

The funniest thing just happened.  Well, I think it is so funny and cute, but you may just think I am just ridiculous.  It is a chance I am willing to take.

 

So, recently we hired a girl at work that is from England.  I don’t know where, but since Londy-pants is one of my very most favorite places in the whole world, I pretend she is from there and that she was really rich and got to live in an awesome flat with awesome flat mates. 

 

I wish I could talk to her only in my English Accent, like I do when by brother comes to visit.  But, like him, I think she would also want to punch me.

 

Anyway, we were both walking down the hall in opposite directions today and we went to get out of each other’s way and when I stepped to my right, she stepped to her left!  So, we were left doing the awkward pass dance.

 

Hello!  Any red blooded American knows that when you pass, you both move to the right, because that is the way our roads are!  But they drive on the opposite side of the road!!

 

I was secretly dying inside and wanted to tell her so badly, in my best English Accent, of course.

 

Ooooh, I want to go back to Londy-pants so bad…

Really?!?

On Thanksgiving morning, I woke up early so I could make it to the gym before everyone started waking up and before I needed to get the turkey in the oven. I opened the garage door to leave and backed up right into my parents van. 

 

About a week later, I was leaving for the gym and I backed into our recycling bin, that was waiting to be emptied.  I smashed into it, knocking it down and scattering our recyclables all over the street.  So, in the cold, darkness of the early morning…there I was… cleaning the street and cussing a lot.

 

You would think that I would have learned by now to simply look behind me, wouldn’t you? 

 

Well, that is a lesson I apparently have not learned.  This morning, guess who smashed into the garbage can?!  Any guesses?!  Yes.  That’s right, me.  So once again, I had to clean the street of our waste… while cussing a lot, of course.

 

I had just finished running this morning and was cleaning off my treadmill, when the lady next to me says, “Hi, I think you live in my neighborhood!  Did you hit your garbage can this morning?!” 

 

Well, that is one way to make friends, I suppose.

Things I Have Never Said In My Whole Life…

Would you like fries with that order?

Oh my gosh, I’m pregnant!

Oh, no, I can’t donate blood.  I don’t weigh enough.

I don’t know… there is just something about a man with a mustache.

Let’s go camping!

I love getting up early to go run.

Oh, that… That’s my herpes medication.

Hold on, let me get my glasses, I can’t read that.*

No problem!  I don’t mind working late, I don’t have anything else going on!

I don’t worry about that!  I have PLENTY of money!

 

*Except when I did an internship for Illinois Department of Transportation and I was trying to look the part of a smart intern by rocking fake glasses.  When my boss asked whose lens (that had popped out, but as it was clear, I hadn’t noticed) was on the floor… my cover was blown.

Happy Accident

Holy moly. I can’t write for over a week and my last post is about Tampons?! That’s great... Sorry ya’ll!

Work has been buuuuuusy recently. With days off because of the holidays, yearend information needed, new clients, a trip to Wichita... I am one busy little bee.

 

So, the other day I was going to meet my greatest friend, Ryan and his husband Bryan for a quick dinner and a catch up.  Their wedding had been a few weeks earlier, so I wanted to hear how their honeymoon went, dish about the wedding, etc.  But, before I met them, I asked Fiance how much money he put in their wedding card and he mentioned he thought I did it!

 

My greatest friend, I was in the wedding and we didn't even get him a gift?! 

 

After I told them about this "we both though each other did it" mix up, I asked if we could take them to dinner instead.

 

From now on, for all wedding presents, it will be a card with a coupon to dinner. 

 

Last night was our dinner and it was great!  We got to look at wedding and honeymoon pictures, see their house, hang out and drink lots of wine!

 

So, now that I think about it, it was more of a present for me... so, um... Sorry, Ryan!  But, I love you and I loved the night!

 

Can I Get A Witness?

If you are a boy, move right along… thanks for stopping by…  Nice seeing ya… We’ll catch up another day… 

 

If you have a vagina and/or don’t get skeeved out by the word “panties”, you can stay.

 

All in?!  Everybody good?!  Ok.

 

By a show of hands, who here works in an office??  Ok.  Thank you.  You can put your hands down now.    

 

Do any of you have to play “hide the tampon”, or is this a game only I play??

 

When I am impure*, I do not want to conspicuously carry my purse to the bathroom and we don’t have a storage area where you can keep your stuff.  So, instead, I hide my tampon somewhere on my body before going to the bathroom.

 

The problem with this game is that I work in cubical city… and they are the short cubes… so everyone can hear and see everything.

 

When I wear clothes with pockets, it is not that big of a deal…. But most days, I wear dresses and that is when I get really creative!  Sometimes I stick it down my top and hold it in my bra… but if my shirt is not fabric-y enough, I have to get it in the center of my bra, under the underwire.  *Try placing an object in the middle of your breasts and under the underwire of your bra, in the middle of a crowded office, without getting noticed.  Seriously.*  One time, I had a deep cowl neck sweater, so I just threw it on in there, with all the folds… that one was a bit risky though.  I also stick it in the waste of my pants,  but I have to be careful with that one too, because if my pants are too loose, it will just slide right down my leg and out of my pants.  I know this, because it has happened.  Luckily, I was in the bathroom by the time it had wriggled out.

 

Today, I had to go with the “in the boot” move.  Because I have no pockets and couldn’t easily get to my bra.

 

Some days, I think we should win awards, receive money, be allowed free spa services for life…. Just for being a woman.

 

*I just finished Unorthodox, The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots.  For the time being, and when I remember, I will refer to my “cycle” as my impure time, purely for my own comedic enjoyment.

And The Award Goes To........

My company’s busy time is just wrapping up.  Each year we create a theme and have t-shirts made and play occasional office games to add a little levity to a time when we would otherwise want to punch each other.

 

This year’s theme was Wizard of Oz and the wrap up party is today.  Everyone is supposed to vote on the five people that are most like the characters:  Dorothy, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow and Glinda the Good Witch.

 

Just when I thought my mane would secure me the Lion win or this would be a replay of prom and my vote count would be a big ol’ goose egg… guess who got Glinda!  Yeah, baby!  This chick!

 

Um, hello!?!  Out of the whole office, I win the beautiful, kind, princess.  They even gave me a tiara to wear to the party.

 

 

 

I would like to Reply All to the All Staff email with a speech, thanking my mother for teaching me how to always do my hair and make up nicely and God, of course, for the opportunity…

 

Wait, what?  Too much with the speech?!

Beggar's Night

I was Halloween deprived as a child.  We’ve talked about this, right?  I was never able to Trick or Treat or watch Scooby Doo or The Smurfs or MTV or listen to KZ 93.3 ( I am talking Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff, before he became Will Smith….).

 

Now that I think about it, I totally had a rough life!  I can’t believe that I have been looking back on my childhood so fondly for all these years.  Clearly, my parents were abusive!

 

I mean, I guess in some small way, I suppose it was appropriate to protect me from the dangers of all the Satan Worshippers that ravage the street and would stick needles in my Snickers and it was very forward thinking of my parents to make sure that I didn’t follow the ways of Gargamel and his evil wizardry.  But, Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff?!  Really?!  All they ever wanted me to do was Boom! shake-shake-shake the room!  That’s all!

 

Anyway.  Enough about that, I am getting in a bad mood.

 

 

In Des Moines we have Beggar’s Night the night before Halloween.  Probably because it’s mother also knew about all the Satan Worshipping and needle sticking that happens on this day.  So last night, precious nugget after precious nugget rang my doorbell. 

 

Some wore pretty tiaras and long blond wigs and some wore fake muscles and crime fighting shields.  Others, who appeared to be about my age, wore flannel shirts and wiped black shit on their faces; those jerks seemed to have not been informed of the two piece rule.  Or that there is an age limit.

 

One loudly announced that he “liked my houthe” and one told me he knew a joke but needed me to shut my door and then reopen it.  I thought that was the joke, just laughed and shut the door.  He walked away after a minute or so.  The last little nugget of the night, who bore a striking resemblance to Honey Boo Boo, but was actually supposed to be a nurse,  looked around my candy bowl and then back up at me, as if to say “what else do you have, lady”.  I have a look too, it is all “these are your options, kid, and do you really even need it?”… She turned away and didn’t even take anything… Who does that?!  This isn’t Buffet City, Boo, you get you get!

 

After two hours, I was pretty glad it was over.  But, not as glad as I was that there was left over candy.

Challenge

I decided on October 16^th that I would take a 30 day break from Caribou and Starbucks.  I arrived at this decision after I stopped to consider that for each of the three days prior I had stopped to get a grande decaf caramel macchiato with skim milk and whip.  What that equated to over the three days was about $15 and 12,000 calories.  Now, I may be exaggerating a bit about the calories, but I am sure I am not really that far off.

 

If I continue that behavior over the course of the year, do you know what that would add up to?!  More than $2,000 and 243,333 calories! 

 

Can someone check my calculations there?!!  I just totally busted out by eighth grade algebra and solved for X.

 

In addition to all the money and calorie saving I will be doing… I will be teaching myself that I can truly live life without having to have my beloved grande decaf caramel macchiato with skim milk and whip every day. 

 

Here is the thing though.  At home, we just got a Keurig coffee machine.  So, who needs to stop when I have all of the convenience of a coffee shop at my fingertips. 

 

It is a little bit like promising not to brush your hair for a week when you have a shaved head.  It is not actually a challenge. 

 

 But, today, I leave to go visit a client.  It is only a quick overnight, but the long drive… starting my day tomorrow before meetings… having time to kill between meetings…. Getting a coffee drink is my go to!

 

The pressure is on.  This is the real deal Holyfield.  This is where I find out what I am made of.

 

*Cue Eye of the Tiger*

If I Were Being Recorded...

The following things fall out of my mouth on a regular basis while on my way to… well… anywhere.  It really doesn’t matter, if I am being completely honest.

 

Are you f(*&ing KIDDING me?!

 

The gas pedal is the one on the right, jacka&$!

 

GOOOO!  You f(*&ing moron!

 

Nice blinker, douchebag!

 

Don’t you f(*&ing do it.  Don’t you f(*&ing pull out in fron…… *Hoooonnnnk!*

 

Screw you, a$%hole!  I am going 10 over!  Get off my a$%!

 

Come.  The.  F*&^.  On!

 

Oh, sh*&!  Was that a cop!?!  (Followed immediately by turning the radio down.  I am all, “Enough already, Miranda Lambert! I have to focus on rearview!)

 

 

I am a lady and I am a professional.  But sadly, when I am driving, all bets are off.  I get behind the wheel and turn into a foul mouthed gangster, effective immediately. 

 

 

I do recognize this to be a serious problem

 

Changes

Can we talk? I mean for real.  No, we are not breaking up….

 

I could tell you about how crappy the weather is today  or how I am wearing shoes that are too small for my gigantic feet, because I was in a hurry when I bought them… but instead, I am going to tell you something real about my everyday life.  How does that sound!?

 

Fiance has two children.  You may have heard me refer to them periodically as babyboycakes and babygirlcakes.  But, those are not actually their names… they are Kaitlyn and Jacob and they are 12 and 10, respectively.

 

Can I just tell you… This has been one heck of a change, ya’ll!  I used to do whatever I wanted, all the time.  If I wanted to sleep all day in my favorite spot on the middle of my living room floor.  I did.  If I wanted to stay out late and get breakfast at 3 AM.  I did.  If I wanted to spend all my money on very important (read: frivolous) things like lotions and sprays.  I did.  I only had to be accountable to myself.

 

And, while that was fun, it was not what real life should be.  It was not satisfying and fulfilling on a long term basis. 

 

Fiance just forwarded me something from Jacob’s school alerting parents to the fact that there are three confirmed cases of lice in the fourth grade class.  Who would have ever thought that I would a.) not immediately barf when reading the email or b.) contact my boss to request the remainder of the day off to wash all linens in my house or c.) secretly love that I am included on “parent” emails? 

 

Now, don’t get me wrong… I fully intend to make the little man strip to his undaroos in the garage while I monkey pick my way through his hair.  I, of course, will be fully gloved and covered.

 

There are certainly times when I need an attitude adjustment and I forget that things aren’t still all about me.  There are times when I am fairly certain they want to punch me right in the face, because for the third morning in a row I made them make their bed.  And, I am pretty sure that if we had video surveillance in our house, on review you would see Kaitlyn and I both exit the room and immediately turn around to flip each other off… with both hands.

 

But.  I am very thankful for this time and what it has taught me about myself and about my life.  And, how it has made me appreciate my momma.  I am thankful for them and how funny they are and how they can say and do things that make you want to totally cry your eyes out because it is so precious.

 

Sometimes I get jealo and kind of sad when they talk about things that happened when they were little baby nuggets, but I am excited for when they start dating and going to dances and start experiencing life things.

 

Wait… did I just totally sum up what every parent, soon to be parent, step parent, etc. has felt since the dawn of time as if I just stumbled upon this profound transitional realization?!

 

Remember… I did admit earlier… there are times that I forget that things aren’t all about me!

Wrap It Up

This past weekend was the wedding of one of my greatest friends eva, Ryan.

 

 

Here he is!  Isn’t he handsome in his tux?!  Isn’t my dress totally ugly!?  I am hoping that he won’t get mad that I just called the dress ugly, since I prefaced it with a compliment.  Which, for the record was sincere and not just a way to talk shit about this dress.

It was, for real, a total blast!  I was one of 20 standing up for Ryan and his new husband Bryan.  Yes, that’s right, 20.  17 girls and 3 boys.  Only the girls had to wear the ug dress though.

I was just about to tell you that my favorite part was when we all danced our heads off during the introduction… but then I remembered that my actual fav part was having my parents there! 

 

 

Check out my dad.  Isn’t he a looker?!  They told me that they drove 8 hours, roundtrip, just to give me a hug… and decided to take in a wedding while they were here.  I love those precious little nuggets.

 And, wouldn’t you know it, while they were here getting their hug… my mom tried out my somersault bed making trick.  Who knew that the skill of somersaulting, learned at approximately 3 years of age, is lost somewhere between 3 and 52… because she was a horrible somersaulter!  She could actually start her own trick of somersault bed unmaking!

To top it all off, I took Monday off.  I did a little shopping, had lunch and went to a movie.  A delicious little day date, with myself! 

Crime Wave

I live in total small town Iowa.  Population 3,864.  One grocery store and one intersection.

We are experiencing a crime wave.  Monday, one house was teepeed, Tuesday, another house.  Wednesday, there were SIX houses and today everything was teepeed… cars, lightpoles, fences, more houses.

The police are in quite a pickle, if you ask me.  They are not used to dealing with anything much more serious than a speeding ticket or perhaps a public intox at one of our fine watering holes.  Plus, one of the houses hit was next door to the house of a police officer. 

 

These dirty perps are practically laughing in their faces!!!

I, for one, appreciate this form of vandalism though.  Because my morning run was particularly cold and my nose was dripping like a faucet….  So, I just stopped, plucked some of the evidence from their mailbox and blew my nose. 

Twice!

Tuesday Ten

Blogs are kind of narcissistic, if you think about.  This is what I like.  This is what is going on in my world.  These are all the things that I like and dislike.  Me. Me. Me. Me.

Before you go thinking I am the rudest person of the world, let me tell you… this relationship is reciprocal.  I would totally read your blog if you had one!

Anyway, I am getting off topic.

Because I had that newsflash moment this morning, I thought I would start a new Tuesday trend called “Tuesday Ten”.  This may only last one Tuesday… but please read above.  This is about me and I can do whatever I want.  Sucka.

Tuesday Ten works like this.  I am going to tell you ten things about someone other than me. 

 

This is my mom.  This is actually one of my favorite pictures of her ever.  I love how happy and totally free she looks.  Honest to God… have you ever seen anyone having this must fun?!  She hates this picture and was super pissed when I put it on my blog the first time… so here I go doing it again.  She is probably going to call and tell me I am grounded from posting pictures on my blog.  She really still tries to ground me.

That is not one of the 10 things about her.  Slow down.

 Ok, here we go.

I can tell her anything.  Seriously, anything.  And usually I do.  She never makes me feel stupid or bad and she never judges me.  I can’t imagine having a mom that you had to censor yourself around or that you could dish your whole life to.  I would feel like my family didn’t even know me.  She knows me though.

I remember when I was like in 8^th grade, I was babysitting for this little boy that was so sick and he would not stop crying and he barfed all over his bedroom.   And, his mom was a total bitch.  So, I was really freaking out that this bitchy lady was going to come and be so mad that her son barfed all over the place, like it was my fault.  I called my mom, frantic.  Within minutes, she was there, cool as a cucumber just fixing things right up.  That is how she always is, but whenever I think about it, I always think about that story.  No matter what the situation is, she always just handles it and makes it seem like it is really no big deal.

She has “really fun” taste in decorating!  God help her.  She will walk right up to the line of tasteful and then jump over with streamers, hot glue and sponge paint.  Girlfriend loves herself some sponge paint! 

We pray together every single week day morning.  I totally love it.  First we talk about all of our lives and then we pray for each other.

She is braver than anyone I know.  And by brave, I sometimes mean crazy and haphazard.  She is an adventurous mover and shaker and is always up for anything.  Sometimes even illegal stuff, even though if you asked her right now, she totally would act like she wasn’t.

My friends love her and always have.  She is even coming all the way to Des Moines to go to the wedding of one of my best friends, because he loves her so much.  I am proud that she is so fun and cool and that she can be a part of my life like that.

She is a Special Ed/Behavioral Disorder teacher.  Which means two things.  One, that she has the patience of a saint and will be blessed for all that she does.  Two, that she has the best stories about kids cussing and doing really stupid stuff.

She has the backs of her children, like nobody’s business.  She is and always has been our biggest fan.  In her eyes, we are drop dead gorgeous, comedian genius athletes.  And, with all the sincerity in the world, she can give you several examples of why each of those are true.

I think about things she taught me or things she has said regarding marriage and parenting, almost daily.

She has always been my best friend.

…and, that wraps up this edition of Tuesday Ten.  Lata!

Security Breach

It is our busy season at work, so with that comes time in the office on weekends. 

 

By a show of hands, who likes working on the weekends?!  Anybody?  Anybody??!  Oh, yes, that is what I thought.  Me neither. 

 

To make matters worse, I have the early shift and have to be in by 7.  So, by girl time, since I have to leave my house at about 6:20, I have to be up no later than 5:00.  Puke...

 

For the second weekend in a row, I have succeeded in setting off the office alarm.  Which means frantic text messages to our IT Managers.

 

They now hate me.

 

In my defense, I forgot there even was an alarm because we now have key swipe thingies.  ( I am pretty sure that is their technical name.)  So, why would I even need to know a code? 

 

That might not actually be a good defense, now that I think about it....

 

But, since there obviously is, I did get a new code this week.  In my defense again, the IT contact I asked forgot to actually activate the code he gave me.  It was probably on purpose, because he hates me for last week. 

 

I think explaining my situation to the Police Officers this morning, while staff members were arriving really improved my professional image and displayed my ability to deal with adversity.

 

 

Open Casting Call

I went to lunch with a good girlfriend yesterday and she was looking so slim and trim, but just had a baby.  I was all, “Seriously… how did you just have a baby and you are a total skinny minny?!”.

 

She told me her secret and I feel like I’ve been duped!

 

You mean to tell me, I haul my cookies up at 5 every morning to run my butt off, contemplate everything that passes my lips and I could have been breastfeeding all this time?!

 

If you'll excuse me... I need to find some folks to breastfeed…

Official Diagnosis

 

Dear beloved readers, both of you –

 

It is with a heavy heart, but some relief that I make the following news public.  After years of struggle and with the help of a 20/20 special, I have been self diagnosed with Misophonia.  According to Wikipedia, Misophonia is literally translated to the “hatred of sound,” or a form of decreased sound tolerance.  In other words, if you chew ice around me or snap your gum or even cough… I want to punch you.

 

Plagiarized directly from Wikipedia, little is known about the anatomical location of the physiological abnormality that causes such symptoms but it is most likely high central nervous system structures.  It is believed to result from abnormally strong connections between the autonomic and limbic systems in the brain, rather than over-activity of the auditory system.  In other words, if you are breathing heavy or need to blow your nose but are delaying it by sucking it back into your face or are tapping a pen or make a slurp sound when you take a drink… I want to punch you.  Hard.  And after I punch you, I will take your pen away or make you spit out your gum or pour out your drink or make you blow your nose. 

 

Unfortunately, for everyone involved, there is no known treatment.  So, I ask you to please be patient with me and my struggle and simply refrain from making any noises.  Ever.

 

Yours Truly –

 

Charlie Girl