Beggar's Night

I was Halloween deprived as a child.  We’ve talked about this, right?  I was never able to Trick or Treat or watch Scooby Doo or The Smurfs or MTV or listen to KZ 93.3 ( I am talking Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff, before he became Will Smith….).

 

Now that I think about it, I totally had a rough life!  I can’t believe that I have been looking back on my childhood so fondly for all these years.  Clearly, my parents were abusive!

 

I mean, I guess in some small way, I suppose it was appropriate to protect me from the dangers of all the Satan Worshippers that ravage the street and would stick needles in my Snickers and it was very forward thinking of my parents to make sure that I didn’t follow the ways of Gargamel and his evil wizardry.  But, Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff?!  Really?!  All they ever wanted me to do was Boom! shake-shake-shake the room!  That’s all!

 

Anyway.  Enough about that, I am getting in a bad mood.

 

 

In Des Moines we have Beggar’s Night the night before Halloween.  Probably because it’s mother also knew about all the Satan Worshipping and needle sticking that happens on this day.  So last night, precious nugget after precious nugget rang my doorbell. 

 

Some wore pretty tiaras and long blond wigs and some wore fake muscles and crime fighting shields.  Others, who appeared to be about my age, wore flannel shirts and wiped black shit on their faces; those jerks seemed to have not been informed of the two piece rule.  Or that there is an age limit.

 

One loudly announced that he “liked my houthe” and one told me he knew a joke but needed me to shut my door and then reopen it.  I thought that was the joke, just laughed and shut the door.  He walked away after a minute or so.  The last little nugget of the night, who bore a striking resemblance to Honey Boo Boo, but was actually supposed to be a nurse,  looked around my candy bowl and then back up at me, as if to say “what else do you have, lady”.  I have a look too, it is all “these are your options, kid, and do you really even need it?”… She turned away and didn’t even take anything… Who does that?!  This isn’t Buffet City, Boo, you get you get!

 

After two hours, I was pretty glad it was over.  But, not as glad as I was that there was left over candy.

Challenge

I decided on October 16^th that I would take a 30 day break from Caribou and Starbucks.  I arrived at this decision after I stopped to consider that for each of the three days prior I had stopped to get a grande decaf caramel macchiato with skim milk and whip.  What that equated to over the three days was about $15 and 12,000 calories.  Now, I may be exaggerating a bit about the calories, but I am sure I am not really that far off.

 

If I continue that behavior over the course of the year, do you know what that would add up to?!  More than $2,000 and 243,333 calories! 

 

Can someone check my calculations there?!!  I just totally busted out by eighth grade algebra and solved for X.

 

In addition to all the money and calorie saving I will be doing… I will be teaching myself that I can truly live life without having to have my beloved grande decaf caramel macchiato with skim milk and whip every day. 

 

Here is the thing though.  At home, we just got a Keurig coffee machine.  So, who needs to stop when I have all of the convenience of a coffee shop at my fingertips. 

 

It is a little bit like promising not to brush your hair for a week when you have a shaved head.  It is not actually a challenge. 

 

 But, today, I leave to go visit a client.  It is only a quick overnight, but the long drive… starting my day tomorrow before meetings… having time to kill between meetings…. Getting a coffee drink is my go to!

 

The pressure is on.  This is the real deal Holyfield.  This is where I find out what I am made of.

 

*Cue Eye of the Tiger*

If I Were Being Recorded...

The following things fall out of my mouth on a regular basis while on my way to… well… anywhere.  It really doesn’t matter, if I am being completely honest.

 

Are you f(*&ing KIDDING me?!

 

The gas pedal is the one on the right, jacka&$!

 

GOOOO!  You f(*&ing moron!

 

Nice blinker, douchebag!

 

Don’t you f(*&ing do it.  Don’t you f(*&ing pull out in fron…… *Hoooonnnnk!*

 

Screw you, a$%hole!  I am going 10 over!  Get off my a$%!

 

Come.  The.  F*&^.  On!

 

Oh, sh*&!  Was that a cop!?!  (Followed immediately by turning the radio down.  I am all, “Enough already, Miranda Lambert! I have to focus on rearview!)

 

 

I am a lady and I am a professional.  But sadly, when I am driving, all bets are off.  I get behind the wheel and turn into a foul mouthed gangster, effective immediately. 

 

 

I do recognize this to be a serious problem

 

Changes

Can we talk? I mean for real.  No, we are not breaking up….

 

I could tell you about how crappy the weather is today  or how I am wearing shoes that are too small for my gigantic feet, because I was in a hurry when I bought them… but instead, I am going to tell you something real about my everyday life.  How does that sound!?

 

Fiance has two children.  You may have heard me refer to them periodically as babyboycakes and babygirlcakes.  But, those are not actually their names… they are Kaitlyn and Jacob and they are 12 and 10, respectively.

 

Can I just tell you… This has been one heck of a change, ya’ll!  I used to do whatever I wanted, all the time.  If I wanted to sleep all day in my favorite spot on the middle of my living room floor.  I did.  If I wanted to stay out late and get breakfast at 3 AM.  I did.  If I wanted to spend all my money on very important (read: frivolous) things like lotions and sprays.  I did.  I only had to be accountable to myself.

 

And, while that was fun, it was not what real life should be.  It was not satisfying and fulfilling on a long term basis. 

 

Fiance just forwarded me something from Jacob’s school alerting parents to the fact that there are three confirmed cases of lice in the fourth grade class.  Who would have ever thought that I would a.) not immediately barf when reading the email or b.) contact my boss to request the remainder of the day off to wash all linens in my house or c.) secretly love that I am included on “parent” emails? 

 

Now, don’t get me wrong… I fully intend to make the little man strip to his undaroos in the garage while I monkey pick my way through his hair.  I, of course, will be fully gloved and covered.

 

There are certainly times when I need an attitude adjustment and I forget that things aren’t still all about me.  There are times when I am fairly certain they want to punch me right in the face, because for the third morning in a row I made them make their bed.  And, I am pretty sure that if we had video surveillance in our house, on review you would see Kaitlyn and I both exit the room and immediately turn around to flip each other off… with both hands.

 

But.  I am very thankful for this time and what it has taught me about myself and about my life.  And, how it has made me appreciate my momma.  I am thankful for them and how funny they are and how they can say and do things that make you want to totally cry your eyes out because it is so precious.

 

Sometimes I get jealo and kind of sad when they talk about things that happened when they were little baby nuggets, but I am excited for when they start dating and going to dances and start experiencing life things.

 

Wait… did I just totally sum up what every parent, soon to be parent, step parent, etc. has felt since the dawn of time as if I just stumbled upon this profound transitional realization?!

 

Remember… I did admit earlier… there are times that I forget that things aren’t all about me!

Wrap It Up

This past weekend was the wedding of one of my greatest friends eva, Ryan.

 

 

Here he is!  Isn’t he handsome in his tux?!  Isn’t my dress totally ugly!?  I am hoping that he won’t get mad that I just called the dress ugly, since I prefaced it with a compliment.  Which, for the record was sincere and not just a way to talk shit about this dress.

It was, for real, a total blast!  I was one of 20 standing up for Ryan and his new husband Bryan.  Yes, that’s right, 20.  17 girls and 3 boys.  Only the girls had to wear the ug dress though.

I was just about to tell you that my favorite part was when we all danced our heads off during the introduction… but then I remembered that my actual fav part was having my parents there! 

 

 

Check out my dad.  Isn’t he a looker?!  They told me that they drove 8 hours, roundtrip, just to give me a hug… and decided to take in a wedding while they were here.  I love those precious little nuggets.

 And, wouldn’t you know it, while they were here getting their hug… my mom tried out my somersault bed making trick.  Who knew that the skill of somersaulting, learned at approximately 3 years of age, is lost somewhere between 3 and 52… because she was a horrible somersaulter!  She could actually start her own trick of somersault bed unmaking!

To top it all off, I took Monday off.  I did a little shopping, had lunch and went to a movie.  A delicious little day date, with myself! 

Crime Wave

I live in total small town Iowa.  Population 3,864.  One grocery store and one intersection.

We are experiencing a crime wave.  Monday, one house was teepeed, Tuesday, another house.  Wednesday, there were SIX houses and today everything was teepeed… cars, lightpoles, fences, more houses.

The police are in quite a pickle, if you ask me.  They are not used to dealing with anything much more serious than a speeding ticket or perhaps a public intox at one of our fine watering holes.  Plus, one of the houses hit was next door to the house of a police officer. 

 

These dirty perps are practically laughing in their faces!!!

I, for one, appreciate this form of vandalism though.  Because my morning run was particularly cold and my nose was dripping like a faucet….  So, I just stopped, plucked some of the evidence from their mailbox and blew my nose. 

Twice!

Tuesday Ten

Blogs are kind of narcissistic, if you think about.  This is what I like.  This is what is going on in my world.  These are all the things that I like and dislike.  Me. Me. Me. Me.

Before you go thinking I am the rudest person of the world, let me tell you… this relationship is reciprocal.  I would totally read your blog if you had one!

Anyway, I am getting off topic.

Because I had that newsflash moment this morning, I thought I would start a new Tuesday trend called “Tuesday Ten”.  This may only last one Tuesday… but please read above.  This is about me and I can do whatever I want.  Sucka.

Tuesday Ten works like this.  I am going to tell you ten things about someone other than me. 

 

This is my mom.  This is actually one of my favorite pictures of her ever.  I love how happy and totally free she looks.  Honest to God… have you ever seen anyone having this must fun?!  She hates this picture and was super pissed when I put it on my blog the first time… so here I go doing it again.  She is probably going to call and tell me I am grounded from posting pictures on my blog.  She really still tries to ground me.

That is not one of the 10 things about her.  Slow down.

 Ok, here we go.

I can tell her anything.  Seriously, anything.  And usually I do.  She never makes me feel stupid or bad and she never judges me.  I can’t imagine having a mom that you had to censor yourself around or that you could dish your whole life to.  I would feel like my family didn’t even know me.  She knows me though.

I remember when I was like in 8^th grade, I was babysitting for this little boy that was so sick and he would not stop crying and he barfed all over his bedroom.   And, his mom was a total bitch.  So, I was really freaking out that this bitchy lady was going to come and be so mad that her son barfed all over the place, like it was my fault.  I called my mom, frantic.  Within minutes, she was there, cool as a cucumber just fixing things right up.  That is how she always is, but whenever I think about it, I always think about that story.  No matter what the situation is, she always just handles it and makes it seem like it is really no big deal.

She has “really fun” taste in decorating!  God help her.  She will walk right up to the line of tasteful and then jump over with streamers, hot glue and sponge paint.  Girlfriend loves herself some sponge paint! 

We pray together every single week day morning.  I totally love it.  First we talk about all of our lives and then we pray for each other.

She is braver than anyone I know.  And by brave, I sometimes mean crazy and haphazard.  She is an adventurous mover and shaker and is always up for anything.  Sometimes even illegal stuff, even though if you asked her right now, she totally would act like she wasn’t.

My friends love her and always have.  She is even coming all the way to Des Moines to go to the wedding of one of my best friends, because he loves her so much.  I am proud that she is so fun and cool and that she can be a part of my life like that.

She is a Special Ed/Behavioral Disorder teacher.  Which means two things.  One, that she has the patience of a saint and will be blessed for all that she does.  Two, that she has the best stories about kids cussing and doing really stupid stuff.

She has the backs of her children, like nobody’s business.  She is and always has been our biggest fan.  In her eyes, we are drop dead gorgeous, comedian genius athletes.  And, with all the sincerity in the world, she can give you several examples of why each of those are true.

I think about things she taught me or things she has said regarding marriage and parenting, almost daily.

She has always been my best friend.

…and, that wraps up this edition of Tuesday Ten.  Lata!