I Hope I Don't Get Mugged

Currently, there are the following items in my purse:

Tickets to Principal Golf Charity Classic

A Ticket to Sex and the City Two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (This one, I am super excited about!)

A Ticket to Des Moines’ Big Country Bash, an all day concert… and I have the next day off!

And a Free Appetizer at Outback Steakhouse that I happened to get in the mail last week, for I don’t know what reason…

Just so you aren’t worried that I am going to look stupid attending events on my own, for the record, I am meeting people at the movie and the country bash.

I feel like I am carrying around a big ol’ bag of fun times!!!! The only thing that could be better is if I was carrying around a big ol’ bag of money!

Lunch Time Time Waster

Now that I have remedied the problem, I can admit that I have been quite the little law breaker lately. Unbeknownst to me, my license expired in March!!! I went to get into a bar last Saturday night with my girlfriends and they wouldn’t let me in, because of it and I had no idea!

And, even though my girls night out was truncated, the fact that I was not being allowed in was totally funny to me. My mind is a lit-tle bit fuzzy, but I do remember laughing hysterically at the bouncer and announcing very loudly that I was 28… Like the joke was totally on him, because I was in fact old enough to drink!

Anyway. So that brings us to today and my trip to the D M Effin V. I hate places like that, let me just say. Have you ever had to go to the Social Security Office?? Oh Em Gee…. Don’t even get me started on that. Anyway. I walked in and before you could even go in to the waiting area, you had to wait in line to let the people know what you were there for. Like a rogue was gonna get through… “Hi, I am here for my pap smear!”.

When I arrived the line was about thirty people deep. I seriously wanted to turn right back around, while yelling, “See Ya Lata, Suuuccckas!!”, but I knew that wasn’t an option.

I was in line behind a Lesbian Couple and a completely unaware mother; the little booger nugget in her charge was a freakin monster. Luckily, the funny lesbots started screwing with him. And, when that little booger nugget hid behind his oblivious mother’s leg, stuck his tiny little fist out and flipped the her off, I almost forgot that I hated where I was. But, then he continued to do it, the bird lost its luster and I was back to hating my lunchtime obligation.

Total time, from the time I got to the “Triage” station and allowed into the actual waiting room to the time I got called was 53 minutes. I am not joking. I was so mother effin mad. I had to seriously deep breath and make myself not jump on a “what can make this completely inefficient system better” soapbox.

When I finally did make it to the picture stand, the information I had previously received from friends about no longer being able to smile in your pictures was confirmed. Do you know how stupid I look when I am trying not to smile?? I have one pose, Iowa. And, one pose only. Sexy eyes, cocky smile and my chin pointed down and to the side to eliminate any opportunity at all for a double chin issue. A camera so close it is about to touch my nose and tight lips is just not working for me. So, I did what anyone would do… right when she was about to flick, I showed my pearlies… Then I got busted. She looked up, completely unamused and said “Nice try, sneaky. Do it again.”

So, well over an hour and a quick reprimand later, I am the proud owner of an unexpired, albeit butt ass ugly, drivers license.

Put A Sock In It

I have never had issues with hearing my neighbors at my place, but recently, the guy that lives below me is getting out of hand.

Saturday, his stupid girlfriend totally stole my parking space and the parking here is pretty much the only complaint I have... it seriously sucks ass.

So, about five minutes after I walked inside, and I heard him yell at the top of his lungs, "Seriously..... shut the F*&^ up!!!!!!!!!!!" I almost ran downstairs and was like, I totally know, she is so annoying, and tell her to move her damn car, too!

But, tonight, I am not on his side. Tonight, I am about to break into his apartment and free his dog. Or, maybe, I will just write a really serious letter about the importance of muzzling and tape it to his door.

Regardless, somethings needs to happen and it needs to happen fast.

I am not putting "RSVP and Please Bring Ear Plugs" on my Jim Gibbons Save the Date mailings.

Politicin'

This.... is Jim Gibbons.

This Iowan is running for Congress and in his spare time he sends me about twelve letters a week asking me to contribute to his campaign and support him.

Well, Mr. Gibbons, your tenacity and relentless pursuit to gain my support has paid off and I will answer your call of duty. Yes, sir, I will.

I see that one of the options for support is to host a house party. Well. Mi casa es su casa, candidate.

This little palace will comfortably fit about twelve people and it is all yours. Further, this little hostess with the mostess here will provide not one, but two... count em... two cases of Busch Lite, smoked weenies in my mini (I usually don't cook for more than two) crock pot and just for you.... some Hy-Vee potato salad. Because we are Iowans, after all, and that is always a crowd pleaser.

Now, please have your people call my people and in the meantime, feel free to ix-nay on the letters.

Oh, yeah... and I get it. You were a wrestling coach and it taught you great life lessons. I get it. Really. But, no matter how much some old fashion wrestling move demonstrations will prove you're ready for Washington... you are not wearing a singlet to the party.

I am the only one that gets to dress inappropriately around this place. So back off.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find where I put the streamers.

Jipped

Wheeeeeel of Foooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrtunnnnnnnnne!

Tonight, I was watching Wheel of Fortune and ......

What? I am not embarrassed. What else would I be doing on a weeknight?!

In fact, I not only watch, I literally yell out the answers at the TV the second I have it figure out.... But, anyway, that is not the point.

Tonight's prize trip was to....... wait for it....... THE IOWA STATE FAIR!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Really, Pat Sajack? That's all ya got?

And, they valued the trip at $6,500!

Does it come with your own personal Carny??

Crap-tastic

I try not to be a complainer on here... because it is not really who I am. I am a pick myself up by my bootstraps, find the silver lining kind of girl. But today.... simply sucks.

Wanna know why? Well, it just does. But, here are a few reasons. It is Monday and they are never great. It is unseasonably cold and I am ready for summer, already. People can be so dumb sometimes and they especially were today. Someone stole my lunch out of the fridge at work. Really, they did, it even had my name on it. It was a special salad I bought yesterday too. It is thunderstorming and I am scared of thunderstorms. I miss my family.

Does anyone feel sorry for me yet? I guess if you don't, it's ok, because I feel totally sorry for myself.

Anyway. Those are the main reasons and other than that, I am just generally being a big giant grump.

I will admit I do feel a little better now that I got all of that off my chest. So, in honor of Mothers Day, I am going to just look at this picture of my very best friend in the whole world and me and pull it together.

I wish I could remember exactly what we were laughing about!

Tomorrow, consider the smile slapped back on my face.

Mastered The Art...

I remember listening to a late night talk show when I was little and a model was being interviewed. I don't remember if it was Jay Leno or David Letterman or Arsenio Hall and I don't remember who the model was... which means that what I am about to say could very well be made up. Although, I don't think it is.




Anyway. I remember her telling whatever host it was that all women should master the art of the "quick change" and should be able to change in a cab without the cabbie seeing a single hint of skin.




For some reason, I couldn't have agreed more




Perhaps all those hurried cab rides I took from one event to the next during my third grade year ...




As an adult, even though I don't take a whole lot of cab rides, none of which I would be sober enough to remove a sock without accidentally popping out a boob... I have mastered the art of the quick change.




Please don't tell the Des Moines police what I am about to say... but typically it is done while I am driving to the gym, but running late. And, let me tell you, a sports bra and a highway makes about as much sense as a putting on pantyhose while holding a cup of hot coffee. It just isn't a good idea.




Come on now ladies... don't act like you don't know what I am talking about....





My second favorite place to practice my quick change skills is parking lots. But, do you wanna know what else isn't a good idea??? Picking a parking lot that has a rear entrance that you didn't notice.




Around the time soccer practice starts.





Dear 10 to 12 year old boys that play soccer in WDM,

I apologize. It isn't always that awkward. Well, actually, sports bras are.

But, I was in a car.

Anyway, ok, bye.

Love - Charlie Girl.

Yeeeeehaw Ya'll

Once upon a time.... Two girls went to the PBR.

For all of you non country folk, that means Professional Bull Riding event.

Where we got to meet some real life ass kickin bull riders!

They were pretty much adorable and even did cute country things like tip there hat when they introduced themselves! Unfortunately they all stopped growing at approximately age 7 and never made there way out of the four foot range. But, that's ok, I wasn't there to get a date, I was there to experience the thrill of the eight second ride.

We had suite seats with a pretty good view...

But, wouldn't you know it, those nice bull riders we met decided they would like us to join them near the chutes!

We got to be right in the middle of the action! We had a perfect view of all those tough little munchkins scurrying around!

I could have practically jumped right on! I don't think my peep toe wedges were appropriate riding shoes though...