Do You Know......

...How I know this Lil' Bird is going to be a great mamma someday? Because of the following conversation while we were out shopping yesterday:

Lil Bird: "I am going to run to the bathroom."

Me: "Ok, I will be here."

Lil Bird: "No, you need to try to go... You always say you don't have to go and then ten minutes later we need to stop... So, come in and try."

Me: Blankly staring at her while thinking "Did this bitch just mistake me for her toddler!"... but then I went. And, she was right.

It's Friday and I'm Ready to Sing....

Do you all remember that Aaliyah song?? It's Friday and I'm Ready to Sing.... Pick up my girls and hit the party scene.... Sorry if ya don't, it is a pretty good song. One that I am pretty sure has gone through my head every-single-ever-lovin-Friday since it came out in like 1994.
But I digress. You know how I get on Fridays, I ramble on about stupid unrelated things and why should this Friday be any different, right?!

I went to see Inglorious Basterds the other night... Loved it! Well, actually it made me want to barf about eighteen times. People getting their heads bashed in, shot up, cut up... you get the picture. I just kept thinking that it was going to be like that scene in Stand By Me, when the kid is at the pie eating contest and he blows and then everybody blows... I couldn't do that to my fellow movie goers. I would not be "that girl" that started an ultimate barf fest at a movie... But, anyway, besides all that...it was so good and I highly recommend it, just pop a couple pepto first.

Speaking of fat kids. The kid that started the barf fest... stay with me here... I heard two things this week that DO NOT make me wonder why obesity in America is seriously out of hand. First, KFC has a new sandwich out... Bacon, two kinds of cheese and sauces are sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken. Then I heard that a city will be putting larger chairs in addition to the regular chairs in the waiting areas of bus stations and subways to accommodate those who can't fit in the regular sized chairs. Really!?!?! Am I the only person that recognizes the correlation between the two!

I have a lot more to say about that, but none of it is nice and I am really trying to work on being nice... So, moving right along I guess.

This morning at the gym a guy completely poached my kickboxing bag. And, it isn't the first time either... this son of a gun has tried it before. So, I was forced to be his partner. He wasn't quite working hard enough, I felt like, though... so I took it upon myself to give him a little motivation! Something that I am sure he appreciated at 5:30 in the morning. So, while he punched, I yelled, "PUNCH HARDER! HE STOLE YOUR WALLET!!!!!!! GEEEEEET HIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!". I bet next time he tries to steal my bag, that I moved out and got ready, he will think again.

Maybe I should refer again to the paragraph above... the one about being nice.... nah. maybe later. After all, New Years is a few months away and I will need a resolution.

Fro

It is pretty much 1000% humidity in Des Moines right now… And even though I wasted a half of a bottle of the ever fabulous Redkin “Forceful 23 Super Strength Finishing Spray”, that promises 24 hours of humidity guarding goodness, getting ready today… I pretty much look like this:

Ok, well, maybe not that sultry...

Those lying Redkin bitches! Why can’t I have cute curls in this type of rain forest environment?? Why do I have to have a gigantic, unbecoming, heap of a mess??

I am going to see Inglorious Basterds tonight…. But I can assure you, I won’t be going without a pit stop at my place to pick up a hat.

Practice

Have you ever practiced being sexy in the mirror?! If you answered "No", you are lying to me and let me tell you, you don't have to lie to kick it. I won't tell anyone!

I will freely admit that almost as often as I sing into my straight iron pretending it is a microphone, I practice my sexy in the mirror. About ninety-eight percent of the time there are two reactions that result from said practicing... I either laugh at myself and think about how absolutely ra-tarded I look or I want to throw up. There is that two percent though... and that is all I need to try it out in the real world!

Little Miss Ellie

2001 - 2009

We picked our precious little baby up in a canine Sodom and Gomorrah in Southern Illinois. It was an aweful place and Ellie was so happy to leave. From that point on, she was our baby. Literally! The look the people at the pedicure place gave me when they asked to see my "daughter", who was bundled up like a baby against my chest, and that little hairy face was looking back at them was priceless! She was smuggled in to many a movie, restaurant and store; but she was too precious to be left out in the car! Even though she was our precious little angel, she had quite the temper... If you wanted to give somebody a zerbert, it wasn't going to happen on Ellie's watch. The first deep breath in, in preparation to blow, she started showing teeth... And, the mere mention of "Kristopher" made her become a barking lunatic.

When we were sick, she was sick. When we too tired to get out of bed, so was she. She wasn't afraid bigger dogs... she was way to smart for those big stupid animals and she certainly wasn't going to play with them... after all, she didn't know she was a dog, she just knew she was our baby!

She was a really great dancer and had the smoothest head bob you will ever see. She loved to get dressed in a warm sweater and be held by whoever would offer.

Our family baby, Miss Ellie, passed away yesterday and we will all miss her so much. But, she left us with so many great memories and we were so thankful to have her for the time we did.

We love you Lil' Lala!

Gum?! Tongue Scraper?! Anyone?!

I am pretty sure that at least three people in my office went to lunch together. And, I am pretty sure that they ate onion - stuffed - garlic - ass. And, I am pretty sure that they need to keep their hot breath away from my face unless they want me to puke on them.

Humpday Happiness

I am being a lazy ass today with posting, and in lieu of a normal post I am going to share part of an email I got... These are pretty damn funny though and incredibly true.

In fact, the lady across from me asked me what I was doing, because I was laughing so hard but trying to stifle it, so it just sounded like I was heavy breathing at my desk.

And, heeeeeeere we go:

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a milli second earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm tryingto finish a text.

"LOL" has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this. Ever.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail onthe Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first timeevery time...

Builds Character

From the backdrop of the Anderson/Erickson Dairy Stage adorned with a giant yogurt, a gallon of milk , an incredibly large vat of cottage cheese and the A/E Dairy slogan “Ridiculously High Standards” emerged the one and only Coolio.

Coolio.

You know, the guy from 1995.

Come on, the one that did a song for the Michelle Pfeiffer movie?!

Yep, him.

Does anyone else see the irony of a middle aged man jumping around, yelling for his “trick to get on the flo” in front of a “Ridiculously High Standards” tagline?!?

I knew though, that I was at a super high class show when a guy standing about two feet away from me lit up the biggest hitter I have ever seen as nonchalantly as if he were putting a piece of gum in his mouth. And, when he pulled one our hefty corn fed iowan’s up on stage and gave her a lap dance while singing about what he would do to her if he were her boooyyyyyyfreeeeeeeind… Grammy. Award. Winning. Performance.

Coolio did the damn thing though and besides the fact that he tried to compensate for lack of songs, thus lack of concert time, with a very unconvincing comedy routine, I enjoyed myself.

After the show I decided to put on my big girl pants and go on this crazy thing.

Not once… but twice.

I am such a dare devil… I tell ya. I mean, yeah, so I almost peed my pants and I am pretty sure I screamed the entire time… but, you know me… Bravery like a lion.

So I Gotta Be Down With The Hood Team...

I am channeling my inner 1995 tonight and going to see Coolio at the Iowa State Fair. Yep, uh huh, that's right... Don't be jealous.


What do you think Coolio thinks about playing the "free stage" of a state fair at 46 years old???? Is that Gangsta's Paradise? Really?!

Tour De Jordan Creek

Saturday I had a great day! I went to the gym early, so I was completely ready for my day by like 10:30. Even though I hate getting up early, I love the thought of knowing that I am done with what I have to get done and I can play for the whole rest of the day. I went and got a pedicure and then met these two chicks for Mexican and Margaritas!! Mid day margaritas and pedicures are both very, very great things.

The girls and I decided to continue our cocktail hour and take a little cocktail tour of the shopping area by my place. There are not a lot of things better than great girl time.

We had a drink at Cheesecake Factory, then Champps (where we learned that Lil’ Bird carries a zip lock baggie of enough lip glosses to shine the lips of a 10 all girl-schools), then we decided that we needed to go play in the perfume section of Younkers… About 15 minutes later, smelling like whores, we emerged for the second leg of the tour. We headed to PF Chang’s for a drink then Joes Crab Shack for Shots and Bravo Cucina for the beer chaser. At this point a glass was dropped (and subsequently shattered) when handed to a certain member of tour team… but, I won’t say who did it… all I will say is that her lips were shiny, very shiny… We ended the cocktail tour with a final drink at On The Boarder.

Seven hours, a pitcher of strawberry/banana margaritas, approximately six beers, one shot, one shattered glass, a whole lot of lip gloss, laughing until our stomachs hurt, a little bit of flirting, a lot of shit talking and a half a bottle of perfume later… we called it a night. If you would have looked in on each of us that night and saw that by nine on a Saturday night we were each cuddled in bed, you would have thought about what responsible, wholesome girls we are. Little do you know, had a full day!

Head Case

Literally.

I have had a problem for about two months now… I get dizzy. Really dizzy, like I shouldn’t be driving and I feel drunk. Sometimes something pops in my head kind of… not a serious pop, but more of a small, soft burst and then I get dizzy and in some cases see spots.

I have a feeling that shouldn’t be happening… It just happened and I hate it.

BTW... that picture is an optical illusion... Don't freak out. You aren't having sympathy pains for me and seeing double!

Bla Bla Bla

This post is going to just jump all around… because I have a few *kind of pointless* things to say. But, it is Friday, so I will unapologetically proceed.

Remember about a week or so ago when my apartment complex decided to remove part of my wall!? Well, there was a note on my building yesterday that said in appreciation for our patience Caribou Coffee would be at each resident entry giving away free coffee this morning!!!!!!!! Since I leave my apartment once at 5 and again at 7:00, I was hoping for two free cups… no such luck, and it was literally a Dixie cup of non-Caribou coffee (Yes, I can tell a difference)… But, they have been forgiven and the wrong has been made right. The way to my heart is clearly through coffee.

I have been “training” my great friend, finance every night. This is great because I get a second work out in and when I yell things at him like, “Do not stop running until you get to the corner!” I am really forcing myself to go beyond what I probably would alone… During last night’s work out I had to stop mentally patting myself on the back about what a great trainer I am, when he told me that I “motivate through putting him down”… That kind of made me sad for a second. I got over it though and continued my verbal assaults.

Speaking of verbal assaults… I was talking to ol’ Lil’ Bird about I forget what… but I said, “I am nice.” To which she responded, “Yeah. To me.” Um… what are you implying Lil’ Bird?! Perhaps I need to reel it in.

On a completely unrelated note, I heard on the news yesterday that a new CNN report shows that “Americans with Jobs work harder.” Oh, really. No shit?!

And, finally, I like pictures with my posts and had nothing relevant to include... so that is a photomontage by one of my very most favorite artist, Scott Mutter. Enjoy, homies.

Sleepy

This week I have been going to the gym early, because work has been super busy and I don’t know what time I will be able to leave… So, this results in my alarm clock going off at 4:30 every morning… Let me tell you, it is a horrible, awful sound. Dragging my ass out of bed that early should be against the law. I will admit, though, that it is a little rewarding when I look at my computer clock at about 8:30 and think about the fact that I have been up for four hours and have already accomplished quite a bit.

I will also admit that one thing I have accomplished is an exorbitant amount of daydreaming. Mostly about a bed. A big comfy bed that I don’t get out of until at least 10:00 AM.

Prove It

I did not hike my dress up Saturday night and show some girls (that I didn’t know) a gigantic bruise on my hip from kickboxing.

I certainly didn’t tell them that the guy I was with beats me and pretend to cry.

I also didn’t take a cab to buy some beer for after hours, open my beer while waiting in line to purchase it so I could take some ibuprofen, drink about half of it and then decided I didn’t want to buy it and left.

I did not get on a soapbox about how we shouldn’t call our cabdrivers, cabbies… because they are people too and they have a name… and then completely abandon my plight while adding “cabbie” to everything I yelled in the general direction of the front seat.

And, I did not stay in bed until 5:30 P.M. on a beautiful Sunday, either.

Nope… nu uh. I didn’t do any of those things. Wasn’t me.

It's The Eye Of The Tiger, It's The Thrill Of The Fight....

Pretty much sums up the Bachelorette Party!

Weekend Crazy

This is my friend Nicole. Please ignore the fact that I look incredibly pale, that is just the camera... please also ignore the fact that my hair is way to blond, that was fixed in a follow up appointment Tuesday night. Anyway! She has gigantic hair (even bigger than mine, which is very rare and probably what drew me to her in the first place...), a great personality and even though we haven’t been friends for a super long time, she is quick to call me a skankface or make fun of me for being stupid just as fast as my friends that I have known forever. She quickly just fit in.

She is getting married in September, so I am going to her bachelorette party tomorrow night. Her crazy ass friends decided that it should start at 4:00 PM, because apparently, they want people to end up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning or something... I am going to have to seriously pace myself.

Here are a few things that Wikepedia says about bachelorette parties...

While notions of a bachelorette party as a night of drunken debauchery persist in some social circles, it is becoming widely seen in America as an opportunity for female bonding. Yes... female bonding through drunken debauchery, panty exchanges and excessive amounts of droppin it like it’s hot.

Sometimes a daytime picnic or other outing is organized in preference to the more common dinner party. Or in other cases the young women board a bus and shake their asses on a stripper pole.

Dinners and cocktail parties, which provide comfortable opportunities for participants to talk or to give intimate advice to the bride-to-be, are common. Most common topics discussed are vibrators and why we are truly with the douchebag men we are with. Other topics may include, but are not limited to, why that one bitch we don’t like wears so much damn make up... make up won't cover up that much ugly... Express's fall collection and coupons we got in the mail, a major zit we had to deal with all week long, Ne Ne and Kim's fight on the Real Housewives, etc. etc. etc.

Participating in a bachelorette party is always optional, and many brides decline these parties altogether. Neither bridesmaids nor other friends can be required either to attend or to pay for any part of this party. Please refer to the aforementioned "why that one bitch" topic listed above and note that the make up will not be discussed, neither will her but-her face, but your ditchin whoreself will be, should decide to opt out of this party without valid reason.

A Humpday Treat

If anyone can name where each of these movie quotes came from, WITHOUT GOOGLE-ING, I will give you a very special prize!!!!



1. “What the hell is this, a piano bar or a Nazi work camp? I'm singing my heart out for bupkus, peanuts. I'm eating dog food and you can't even give me fifty dollars you already owe me? Oh, Harry, you're an angel. If you're mother hadn't been such a bitch, we could've shared something important.”



2. “I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.”



3. “Signora. Please stop being so sad. If you continue like this, I will be forced to make love to you. And I've never been unfaithful to my wife.”




4. “This is Bob. Bob had bitch tits.”




5. “Sweetie, you shit your pants this year. I think you're done.”

Current Mood... Pissed.

I hate apartment complexes and I hate cell phone companies… because they just have you by the balls. If they want to screw around with your service or space, they do and there is nothing that can be done to stop it, it seems.

Yesterday, I got home from the gym and as I opened the door to my apartment, I nearly crapped my pants, because all my decorations had been moved off my fireplace and a big piece of my wall was missing. Not a discreet small part of my wall, by a baseboard… an eighteen inch square right above my mantle.

Do you want to know what you shouldn’t do to a girl that has had her apartment broken into?? You probably shouldn’t go to her apartment unannounced, and move anything around. I am just sayin.

This morning I called my complex to give them hell and find out what the eff was going on…. “Well, didn’t you see the note above the mailbox?”... Do you mean the note that said you were going to change the sprinkler heads?! Yeah, I saw it, but I don’t know what the hell a sprinkler head is and certainly didn’t think it meant you were going to cut a huge hole in my wall! “We intend to complete the project in four weeks, when the replacements arrive.” Hold. The. Motha. Effin. Phones. Four Weeks. You must be kidding me.

What can I say, that I am withholding rent? That I demand this to be fixed immediately?! That I not only pay my rent on time, but early each month and is this the way I am rewarded!? My hands are tied… which is probably a good thing, because if they weren’t, I feel like I would be throwing punches.

I Was Tired!

Yesterday the weather was just gorgeous and so I decided to sit outside on my balcony and read. As I don’t have any furniture on my balcony, I grabbed the airplane blanket I borrowed from Delta and threw it down. And, there I was, enjoying the lovely weather, reading a great book, laying on my hot blanket.

About two hours later I woke up with my face sticking to the pages of my book, drool running down my chin and ink stains on my face. I wonder what my neighbors thought about me passed out in such a way on my balcony…

I looked a lot like this guy, except I was wearing something much cuter and there was nobody waiting to draw a penis on my face.... Because, I am willing to bet he is about to get one on his.