Tragedy In The Traffic Jam

I know a great guy named Jamison... Well, that really isn't his name, but you know how I get with code names.

Anyway... He doesn't feel like it is safe that I walk home from the bar at night alone when I go out.

I mean, really?? Can you imagine why not?!

As I am a woman of my word, I would not.... could not... promise him that I wouldn't walk home alone anymore. I did promise to give it more consideration, but he wan't buying it.

So, he got me some pepper spray. And, he even made it pink. Did I mention he was just great!?!

That brings me to today. Today is the day I traveled back to Peoria to join my fam for our trip to the Big Apple. It is about four hours from Des Moines to Peoria and about an hour and a half into my trip, I ran into quite the traffic jam... and by traffic jam, I mean, parking lot. We were literally at a stand still.

Obviously, while I was sitting in the middle of I-80, I was fidgety and bored....and started playing with the pepper spray.

Yep, go ahead and wince... you know what is coming...

Guess who pressed the button? In the middle of the highway with no where to go. With the windows rolled up. With nothing to wipe their hands or eyes with.

I wonder what the people next to me thought when I was grasping my throat and coughing dramatically while frantically trying to roll windows down?

I don't think that me spraying myself was quite what Jamison had in mind when we discussed protection.

Speaking of protection, I very clearly left my helmet in Des Moines.

Dear Lord... Please help to keep me safe in New York City... this little pepper spray incident doesn't exactly bode well!

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I have recently visited the video store way more than I think is normal or that would like to admit.

So, last night when I returning my video and picking another up, I announced to the check out guy that I either needed to get a life or get Netflix. He responded quickly to NOT get Netflix.

"Oh, so you’re saying I need a life?!", I quipped.

"No, a girl like you, I am sure you have a great life! That’ll be $4.55, Charlie." He replied.

Now… what is missing in that exchange? "What is your phone number?" or perhaps "What is your last name?"

No, he knew me and my phone number by heart.

Can somebody please get me the number to Netflix?!??!

Monday Blues

Duh! Can you imagine why I wouldn't have them?!?!?!

Every weekend my amaaaaazing girl friends join me at the pool for sun and cocktails. Not only is today Monday, which means I am back at work... but it is a dreary, stupid, rainy, stormy day.

I guess maybe if it was nice I would only want it to be Saturday again, sooo much more... So, there's that.

And, one more thing... this is my last week of work before NEW YORK CITY.... so there's THAT!

Fine. I'll snap out of my mood, now.

Trendsetter

When I am running along the sidewalk or a trail and I pass another runner going the opposite direction, it totally jazzes me up and I can’t help but to want to high five them.

Maybe even give a little, "Go get ‘em tiger!!" or "Keep up the great work!".

I might try to start this trend, I have a feeling that it will totally catch on! Who doesn’t like a little encouragement… I mean, really.

Just look at that chick up there... when was the last time you felt that pumped up?!?!?!?!?!

What What… Wednesday

What…the hell, Bristol Palin!?! You had to tell your mom, via US Magazine, that you were getting hitched? How did you tell her you were preggers, by an airplane flyover!? And, Levi… really? I get that he is your baby daddy, but isn’t he dating Kathy Griffin? Isn’t she like 50? And posing for Playgirl is so trashy.

What…Are the chances that it is going to be like one thousand degrees in Des Moines today? Good.

What… Are the chances that in response to said heat, not only is my hair is going to be approximately 7 times larger than my normal (approximately 27 times time larger than anyone else's normal), but that I will also get a mild case of swamp ass on the walk to my car? Great.

What… do you think my neighbor would do if he came home to find a note taped to his door that said. "Dear Neighbor: Please learn how to drive. More specifically, please learn how to park. The only thing that sucks worse than the parking here is your parking; lines were painted for a reason. On an unrelated note. Your dog is about to have a change in scenery. If the barking persists, you are going to find a leash and collar with no dog attached. I won’t hurt him, because that is not in my nature… but I will drive him to Altoona, drop his ass off and never look back. I hope you two aren’t close."

Yaaaabbbbbaaadaaabadooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

So, this morning on the Bedrock… I mean, Des Moines news… they told us about some road closures because of an archaeological dig.

Really!?!?

Now how am I supposed to get to the quarry!?

Not to mention, I am probably going to be late picking up Bamm Bamm.

Wax On Wax Off

When I went to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith with stupid Angelina and Brad, as soon as I left the movie, I totally wanted to wrestle! I do that a lot with action movies though; they just make me all feisty and aggressive!

So, I am going to see Karate Kid tonight with Will Smith’s little nugget. Well, I am not going with him, I am going to see the movie with him in it.

Just wanted to clarify.

I have a feeling somebody is going to get their popcorn karate chopped right out their hands.

Bull In A China Shop

I have been quite the one man wrecking crew lately....

I have never in my life been accused of being "Graceful", in fact, I am quite the klutz... but, recently, even I have to wonder if my equilibrium is off.

It started Sunday morning when.... I don't even know if I can say it....

I. spilled. coffee. on my laptop.

Please hold while I go introduce my head to the wall.

This one is bad not only because I use it on a regular basis and it is little and pink and so cute.... but more importantly, it was a gift from my dad...

As of right now, it is in critical condition. But, I am having my friends from the IT department look at it today to see what the prognosis is.

Then, later Sunday, while I was just minding my own business sitting at on a bar stool... I fell off! Yes, that's right, I just fell off. Backwards. Right onto my ass. And took not one, but two bar stools with me on my way down.

I know what you are thinking... that I was drunk. And, I will admit that yes, I had been celebrating our Nations 234th birthday... but I wasn't celebrating with keg stands and shots! I wish I could blame it on that, because then I wouldn't feel like such a dork... but even the tumble to my ass was just kind of the way I am!

And then, last night... while I loading my dishwasher, I broke my coffee pot!

Without my coffee in the morning, I am not operating at 100%. Not even close.

Well, I wish I could stay and chit chat, but I have to go pick up my helmet.

Secret Agent

I have always thought it would be so cool to be a spy. Like, I would live a life that was a total lie to cultivate relationships with conmen or white collar thieves and then totally bust them out.

One day I would be sitting at my desk working away and then I leave to go to the "bathroom", but really go to an unoccupied space in the building to suit up in my Kevlar vest and gun holder (the really bad ass kind that wraps around your thigh) and combat boots… I would shout out orders to my men about people "havin nothin to lose" and then we would make the bust.

It would be totally dramatic. I might even come through a window… It would be so awesome.

All my co-workers would be in total shock. Later, as we were leaving with the perp in custody I would lock eyes with my office fling. I would pull him aside and be all, "My life was a lie, but my feelings were not"… and then we would totally make out.

Anyway….. the reason I am thinking of this is because I have been watching the Russian Spy story on The Today Show and I am a little obsessed. Did Anna Chapman totally have spy life?! I can’t wait to hear more!

Girl: The Operative Word

Do you know the freebee return address labels that you get in the mail? I think a lot of places send them out, but I always get them from my good ol’ friendly State Farm agent.

I love getting them, but when they say Mr. Charlie… it is such a total bummer! I can’t very well stick them on my mail when they say I’m a guy!

My whole life, I have been mistaken for a guy. I actually kind of like it, now. I think it is so funny when I go to see a client and they are expecting a guy and then I show up in my jazzy red heals and gigantic hair. It is like a surprise attack!

The only time I get a little perturbed is when they have met me or talked to me on the phone. Then, no more Mr.’s mister.

So, Mr. Friendly State Farm Agent… We have met, we are practically pals. Can you please update my records, so I can enjoy the cute little stickers, too?!