Big Plans

 

First, would you get a load of that outfit?!  This cat has S-T-Y-L-E!

 

The other night Boy and I were driving home, chit chatting about life, love, 6th grade, life's stresses... and he decided to fill me in on his life plans.

 

Boy:  I am going to be in the Military when I get older.

Me:  You are!?  I haven't heard you say that before, what made you decide that?

Boy:  Well, I have been thinking a lot about it. 

I just have to get rid of my allergies, my asthma, my color blindness and get my grades up.

 

That is a whole lot to do!  But, he seems up for the challenge!

 

 



Oh You Could, Could You?!

I was traveling last week and while at the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport I had a really lovely run in in the Concouse D, Gate 47 bathroom...

 

It went like this:

 

Spirited Women (SW): Giiiiiirrrrrrrl!  I love yo dress!  Who make it?!

Me:  Thanks!  Um, New York & Company, I think.

SW: I don't even know what dat is, but damn.  I could weeeeaaaaar that dress.  Probly betta than you!

 

She then went on to histerically laugh at her own joke to the point where she literally had to lean over and rest her hands on her knees to catch her breath.

 

 

 

Giiiiiirrrrrrrl!  No you couldn't!  Not if you can't even laugh hard without having to catch yoooo breath!!!!

 

 

I Was Happy... No, Really!

 

 

I was actually smiling, but my Bitching Resting Face Syndrome started earlier than most.

One Whole Year

This is Husband.  He is going to kill me for posting this picture for two reasons.  First, because it is a close up of his face and I don't care who you are... close ups of your face are just never a good idea.  Second, because it is evidence that he totally cuddles with our sweet puppy at night.

 

 

We were sitting together on the couch one night and I looked over and that is the face I saw.  I loved it.  He was just so handsome, I couldn't take it anymore... so I had to take his picture effective immediately!

 

 

Yesterday was our 1 YEAR anniversary.

 

I am sure that if he were writing this post, he would tell you that he is very patient with me.  He likes to say that and he always draws out the word p-a-t-i-e-n-t... sometimes the way he says it makes me thinks he is going to pat the top of my head and send me off to school.  My parents encourage this behavior.

 

But, really.  He is patient with me and he is kind with me and in general.  He has a good heart.  I do love him a lot and I am thankful for this year and our future years.

 

 

This Is Iowa

The Nascar Race last weekend was a success.  And as with all public events in the great State of Iowa, there was plenty of people watching. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that there is generally great people watching at public events in any state, but in Iowa, we have a special breed.

 

Like this fellow:

 

No, no... this person was not found via an internet search.  I got to see him in real life.  Every gyrating, bucking inch of him.

 

 

 

 

Self Aware

Husband and I are going to a Nascar race this weekend.  It is my first.  We will be in a Corporate tent, with complimentary cocktails, though, so I think me and this race are going to get along just fine.

 

I had to Google "what to wear to a Nascar Race" and this was the suggestion:

 

 

Oh yeah... I think me and this race are going to get along just fine.

Oldy Moldy

Do you remember Lil Bird??

 

She is still bird breathin' all around town, and I sure do love her.  She is such a great friend.

 

It is clear to me though, that we are literally growing old together.  Our texts tonight were only to ask one another how are doctors appointments went.

 

It seems like just yesterday, we were doing this!

 

And we were having so much fun that she literally had to remind me to use the potty?!

 

I guess it could be worse, we aren't going potty in our pants yet!

 

Barfy Baby

Coconut Kay handles the Vet Clinic like a boss.  Look at her, just chillin.

 

I love her deep within my soul, but guess what... she might be a big ol' fat faker!  She has been barfing her head off all over the house, which prompted the Vet visit and the vet informed me that she really just gets overly excited and probably needs a Pepcid AC everyday and a ThunderShirt.

 

 

According to Thundershirt.com it is great for storms, separation, travel, over excitement and many other anxieties.  It uses gentle hugging to calm your dog.

 

First, this all seems a little ridiculous.  Second, I want one too.

Will You Have Me Back???

Holy cow, where has the time gone.  I know it has been a long time.  I don't write, I don't call.  But, I am ready to come back if you'll have me!

 

I had to take some time off.  I was (and am) really boring!  I think after a while you get it... I have gigantic hair, I don't like storms, I hate waking up early to run, I love coffee and lip gloss with my whole heart, bla bla bla. 

 

Well guess what.  Things have changed around here.  A little.  So, I have about three more things to throw into the mix!  Yah!  I am back!

 

Let me catch you up... (keep in mind, it really has been a long time and since I can't remember last year very well, the catch up will be very "high level" and mainly things that have happened during the last six months of my Facebook feed.  Which is where I went to get inspiration and pictures.

 

In no particular order.......

 

 

I married this guy.  Formerly known as Fiance, please meet HUSBAND!  I love him A LOT.  He is a really great man and incredibly smokin' hot handsome.  On Monday, August 12, 2014, we said our I Do's in front of God, his children and the Dallas County Inmates that had been taken in over the weekend and were waiting to speak with the judge.  It was glorious.  The Ceremony was followed by a quiet reception at Village Inn Restaurant and in lieu of dancing, the bride and groom went to Advenutureland to ride roller coasters and eat funnel cakes. It was quite a day. 

 

Now, these guys are my Step Kids.

 

 

Who from this point forward will be referred to as Girl and Boy.  They are 14 and 12 respectively.

 

 

Also included in our little fam is the most precious, sweetest, sassiest, little nugget you will ever meet.  She was such a tiny little baby when we got her.  Meet Coconut Kay.

 



 

And, now she is such a grown little girl!  She even has her own life jacket!  Safety first, folks.

 

 

I am totally one of those ridiculous dog owners.  I realize that I shouldn't compare my dog to your actual children, but don't judge me.  I really love my job, but I would totally be a stay at home mom to her and take her to activities and play dates.  I refuse to drink after people, including Husband... yet even though I have witnessed her literally lick her own behind, I will kiss her on her little mouth and let her have licks of my ice cream cone.  I actually do things like that.  It is disgusting, I know.  But, I won't stop.

 

I also met some famous people.  What, you don't know who this guy is?!  Jeez, watch Iowa State Basketball much?! 

 

 

What about Dakota Fred?!  Is that famous enough for you?!

 

It is clear to me that you are not easily impressed.  So, I will stop name dropping and will continue on with my updates.

 

I joined a Bunco group! 

 

 

What is not amazing about meeting with your best friends once a month to drink wine, chit chat and have good food? 

 

Do you recognize the miniature blonde in the front row?  What about the gingy pants in the back row??  You guessed it!  My momma and sister!  They are officially Iowans!!!!!!!!  Hooooooooooray!

 

I have been in Iowa for nearly 9 years and have been 4 hours away from my family.  And, now they are here!  I never  knew how much I missed them and the closeness until they came here! 

 

Now, I get to see them all the time!

 

With all of this stuff going on, I should have way more to tell you about, right?!

 

Well, we shall see.  I love you and I missed you! 

 

xoxox -Me.

 

 

 



Family Christmas

This Christmas is the first Christmas in all of my 30 years on this earth, that I will not be spending it with my parents and my brothers and sister and I am getting sadder and sadder by the second.

 

I know this might sound silly because I am grown woman, and it is just one day, but I just can’t shake it!

 

They are all going on a cruise and because of schedules/work/fiancé/ etc., I couldn’t go.  To be totally honest, when I made the decision, I wanted to be able to spend the holidays with Fiance and he was not able to go, so I decided to stay.  And, I know I am being a total jerk, because anytime Christmas is brought up I mention that I am not able to  spend it with my family… and he always says that he is my family too… and I know it probably hurts his feelings a little bit… but it just isn’t the same.  Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, I can’t even talk about it right now, because I just can’t.  So, moving along…. Since I am not able to be there, here are some things that they need to know and/or do:

 

Mom and Chelsea – As often as you remember, please remember to talk to Kristopher in a British Accent.  He may act like it annoys him, but he really appreciates and makes him feel more comfortable.

 

If someone has to get tossed off the ship for some reason, it should be Kristopher.  Thanks to all his MMA/jiu jitsu/other training I can’t remember - training, I am confident he is in the best shape to swim back to shore.  I am not sure the others could make it, so he is gonna have to take one for the team.

 

Kristopher and Chelsea – Race Kaleb up the stairs like we did in our hotel in New York.  He likes the competition and talking crap.  Also, put sun screen on him, he has a tendency to burn.  And, I have a feeling he might be a little bit of a cruise ship ladies man… so don’t cramp his style.

 

Everyone – Please watch over Chelsea.  She is so tiny and even though she thinks that since she is grown, she really is just a tiny little baby and needs all of us to protect her.  (She can get kind of feisty and scrappy though, so be on alert at all times.)

 

Kristopher, Kaleb, Chelsea and Mom – Don’t let dad where his big ol’ white socks with his Velcro sandals.  I don’t think any additional explanation is needed here, right??

 

Kristopher, Kaleb, Chelsea and Dad – I have taken mom on a cruise and she is totally nuts.  And, by nuts, I mean she is the very most exciting, excited, fun person on the whole ship.  Because of this deep desire to have the best adventure of her whole life in those 7 days, she is a real risk taker.  So, be careful with excursions.  International hospitals can be a bit sketchy.

 

While I may not be there with you in person, I will be carrying around each of you in my heart.  So much.  And, if you start to get sad, just think about how bitchy I get about things like eating and drinking noises and how mad I got with Chels and Kaleb got drunk on the Mexican vacation and I freaked out.  I am no fun anymore and a totally pain in the ass!  So, have fun!  Just come back safely.  Ok?

Babies Are Cute, Not Manly

Yesterday Fiance and I were getting some Christmas shopping done and on our list was a new addition to his side of the family, Wiley.  Wiley is his cousins two month old little babycakes!

 

Me:  Oh my gosh!  Look at this precious little rabbit sleeper!  It even has little ears!

 

Fiance:  Uuuuh.  No. 

 

Me:  Whatever.  He is a sweet little babycakes!

 

Fiance:  He is a boy.  Not a rabbit.  *He holds up a tiny leather jacket.*   He needs this, its manly.

 

Me:  And, is he going to change our tire while we are there?

 

To that, he just walked away.  I think it is less because he thought I was being unreasonable and more because he realized at that moment that I was absolutely right.

Passing Zone

The funniest thing just happened.  Well, I think it is so funny and cute, but you may just think I am just ridiculous.  It is a chance I am willing to take.

 

So, recently we hired a girl at work that is from England.  I don’t know where, but since Londy-pants is one of my very most favorite places in the whole world, I pretend she is from there and that she was really rich and got to live in an awesome flat with awesome flat mates. 

 

I wish I could talk to her only in my English Accent, like I do when by brother comes to visit.  But, like him, I think she would also want to punch me.

 

Anyway, we were both walking down the hall in opposite directions today and we went to get out of each other’s way and when I stepped to my right, she stepped to her left!  So, we were left doing the awkward pass dance.

 

Hello!  Any red blooded American knows that when you pass, you both move to the right, because that is the way our roads are!  But they drive on the opposite side of the road!!

 

I was secretly dying inside and wanted to tell her so badly, in my best English Accent, of course.

 

Ooooh, I want to go back to Londy-pants so bad…

Really?!?

On Thanksgiving morning, I woke up early so I could make it to the gym before everyone started waking up and before I needed to get the turkey in the oven. I opened the garage door to leave and backed up right into my parents van. 

 

About a week later, I was leaving for the gym and I backed into our recycling bin, that was waiting to be emptied.  I smashed into it, knocking it down and scattering our recyclables all over the street.  So, in the cold, darkness of the early morning…there I was… cleaning the street and cussing a lot.

 

You would think that I would have learned by now to simply look behind me, wouldn’t you? 

 

Well, that is a lesson I apparently have not learned.  This morning, guess who smashed into the garbage can?!  Any guesses?!  Yes.  That’s right, me.  So once again, I had to clean the street of our waste… while cussing a lot, of course.

 

I had just finished running this morning and was cleaning off my treadmill, when the lady next to me says, “Hi, I think you live in my neighborhood!  Did you hit your garbage can this morning?!” 

 

Well, that is one way to make friends, I suppose.

Things I Have Never Said In My Whole Life…

Would you like fries with that order?

Oh my gosh, I’m pregnant!

Oh, no, I can’t donate blood.  I don’t weigh enough.

I don’t know… there is just something about a man with a mustache.

Let’s go camping!

I love getting up early to go run.

Oh, that… That’s my herpes medication.

Hold on, let me get my glasses, I can’t read that.*

No problem!  I don’t mind working late, I don’t have anything else going on!

I don’t worry about that!  I have PLENTY of money!

 

*Except when I did an internship for Illinois Department of Transportation and I was trying to look the part of a smart intern by rocking fake glasses.  When my boss asked whose lens (that had popped out, but as it was clear, I hadn’t noticed) was on the floor… my cover was blown.

Happy Accident

Holy moly. I can’t write for over a week and my last post is about Tampons?! That’s great... Sorry ya’ll!

Work has been buuuuuusy recently. With days off because of the holidays, yearend information needed, new clients, a trip to Wichita... I am one busy little bee.

 

So, the other day I was going to meet my greatest friend, Ryan and his husband Bryan for a quick dinner and a catch up.  Their wedding had been a few weeks earlier, so I wanted to hear how their honeymoon went, dish about the wedding, etc.  But, before I met them, I asked Fiance how much money he put in their wedding card and he mentioned he thought I did it!

 

My greatest friend, I was in the wedding and we didn't even get him a gift?! 

 

After I told them about this "we both though each other did it" mix up, I asked if we could take them to dinner instead.

 

From now on, for all wedding presents, it will be a card with a coupon to dinner. 

 

Last night was our dinner and it was great!  We got to look at wedding and honeymoon pictures, see their house, hang out and drink lots of wine!

 

So, now that I think about it, it was more of a present for me... so, um... Sorry, Ryan!  But, I love you and I loved the night!

 

Can I Get A Witness?

If you are a boy, move right along… thanks for stopping by…  Nice seeing ya… We’ll catch up another day… 

 

If you have a vagina and/or don’t get skeeved out by the word “panties”, you can stay.

 

All in?!  Everybody good?!  Ok.

 

By a show of hands, who here works in an office??  Ok.  Thank you.  You can put your hands down now.    

 

Do any of you have to play “hide the tampon”, or is this a game only I play??

 

When I am impure*, I do not want to conspicuously carry my purse to the bathroom and we don’t have a storage area where you can keep your stuff.  So, instead, I hide my tampon somewhere on my body before going to the bathroom.

 

The problem with this game is that I work in cubical city… and they are the short cubes… so everyone can hear and see everything.

 

When I wear clothes with pockets, it is not that big of a deal…. But most days, I wear dresses and that is when I get really creative!  Sometimes I stick it down my top and hold it in my bra… but if my shirt is not fabric-y enough, I have to get it in the center of my bra, under the underwire.  *Try placing an object in the middle of your breasts and under the underwire of your bra, in the middle of a crowded office, without getting noticed.  Seriously.*  One time, I had a deep cowl neck sweater, so I just threw it on in there, with all the folds… that one was a bit risky though.  I also stick it in the waste of my pants,  but I have to be careful with that one too, because if my pants are too loose, it will just slide right down my leg and out of my pants.  I know this, because it has happened.  Luckily, I was in the bathroom by the time it had wriggled out.

 

Today, I had to go with the “in the boot” move.  Because I have no pockets and couldn’t easily get to my bra.

 

Some days, I think we should win awards, receive money, be allowed free spa services for life…. Just for being a woman.

 

*I just finished Unorthodox, The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots.  For the time being, and when I remember, I will refer to my “cycle” as my impure time, purely for my own comedic enjoyment.

And The Award Goes To........

My company’s busy time is just wrapping up.  Each year we create a theme and have t-shirts made and play occasional office games to add a little levity to a time when we would otherwise want to punch each other.

 

This year’s theme was Wizard of Oz and the wrap up party is today.  Everyone is supposed to vote on the five people that are most like the characters:  Dorothy, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow and Glinda the Good Witch.

 

Just when I thought my mane would secure me the Lion win or this would be a replay of prom and my vote count would be a big ol’ goose egg… guess who got Glinda!  Yeah, baby!  This chick!

 

Um, hello!?!  Out of the whole office, I win the beautiful, kind, princess.  They even gave me a tiara to wear to the party.

 

 

 

I would like to Reply All to the All Staff email with a speech, thanking my mother for teaching me how to always do my hair and make up nicely and God, of course, for the opportunity…

 

Wait, what?  Too much with the speech?!

Beggar's Night

I was Halloween deprived as a child.  We’ve talked about this, right?  I was never able to Trick or Treat or watch Scooby Doo or The Smurfs or MTV or listen to KZ 93.3 ( I am talking Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff, before he became Will Smith….).

 

Now that I think about it, I totally had a rough life!  I can’t believe that I have been looking back on my childhood so fondly for all these years.  Clearly, my parents were abusive!

 

I mean, I guess in some small way, I suppose it was appropriate to protect me from the dangers of all the Satan Worshippers that ravage the street and would stick needles in my Snickers and it was very forward thinking of my parents to make sure that I didn’t follow the ways of Gargamel and his evil wizardry.  But, Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff?!  Really?!  All they ever wanted me to do was Boom! shake-shake-shake the room!  That’s all!

 

Anyway.  Enough about that, I am getting in a bad mood.

 

 

In Des Moines we have Beggar’s Night the night before Halloween.  Probably because it’s mother also knew about all the Satan Worshipping and needle sticking that happens on this day.  So last night, precious nugget after precious nugget rang my doorbell. 

 

Some wore pretty tiaras and long blond wigs and some wore fake muscles and crime fighting shields.  Others, who appeared to be about my age, wore flannel shirts and wiped black shit on their faces; those jerks seemed to have not been informed of the two piece rule.  Or that there is an age limit.

 

One loudly announced that he “liked my houthe” and one told me he knew a joke but needed me to shut my door and then reopen it.  I thought that was the joke, just laughed and shut the door.  He walked away after a minute or so.  The last little nugget of the night, who bore a striking resemblance to Honey Boo Boo, but was actually supposed to be a nurse,  looked around my candy bowl and then back up at me, as if to say “what else do you have, lady”.  I have a look too, it is all “these are your options, kid, and do you really even need it?”… She turned away and didn’t even take anything… Who does that?!  This isn’t Buffet City, Boo, you get you get!

 

After two hours, I was pretty glad it was over.  But, not as glad as I was that there was left over candy.

Challenge

I decided on October 16^th that I would take a 30 day break from Caribou and Starbucks.  I arrived at this decision after I stopped to consider that for each of the three days prior I had stopped to get a grande decaf caramel macchiato with skim milk and whip.  What that equated to over the three days was about $15 and 12,000 calories.  Now, I may be exaggerating a bit about the calories, but I am sure I am not really that far off.

 

If I continue that behavior over the course of the year, do you know what that would add up to?!  More than $2,000 and 243,333 calories! 

 

Can someone check my calculations there?!!  I just totally busted out by eighth grade algebra and solved for X.

 

In addition to all the money and calorie saving I will be doing… I will be teaching myself that I can truly live life without having to have my beloved grande decaf caramel macchiato with skim milk and whip every day. 

 

Here is the thing though.  At home, we just got a Keurig coffee machine.  So, who needs to stop when I have all of the convenience of a coffee shop at my fingertips. 

 

It is a little bit like promising not to brush your hair for a week when you have a shaved head.  It is not actually a challenge. 

 

 But, today, I leave to go visit a client.  It is only a quick overnight, but the long drive… starting my day tomorrow before meetings… having time to kill between meetings…. Getting a coffee drink is my go to!

 

The pressure is on.  This is the real deal Holyfield.  This is where I find out what I am made of.

 

*Cue Eye of the Tiger*

If I Were Being Recorded...

The following things fall out of my mouth on a regular basis while on my way to… well… anywhere.  It really doesn’t matter, if I am being completely honest.

 

Are you f(*&ing KIDDING me?!

 

The gas pedal is the one on the right, jacka&$!

 

GOOOO!  You f(*&ing moron!

 

Nice blinker, douchebag!

 

Don’t you f(*&ing do it.  Don’t you f(*&ing pull out in fron…… *Hoooonnnnk!*

 

Screw you, a$%hole!  I am going 10 over!  Get off my a$%!

 

Come.  The.  F*&^.  On!

 

Oh, sh*&!  Was that a cop!?!  (Followed immediately by turning the radio down.  I am all, “Enough already, Miranda Lambert! I have to focus on rearview!)

 

 

I am a lady and I am a professional.  But sadly, when I am driving, all bets are off.  I get behind the wheel and turn into a foul mouthed gangster, effective immediately. 

 

 

I do recognize this to be a serious problem