Do You Know......

...How I know this Lil' Bird is going to be a great mamma someday? Because of the following conversation while we were out shopping yesterday:

Lil Bird: "I am going to run to the bathroom."

Me: "Ok, I will be here."

Lil Bird: "No, you need to try to go... You always say you don't have to go and then ten minutes later we need to stop... So, come in and try."

Me: Blankly staring at her while thinking "Did this bitch just mistake me for her toddler!"... but then I went. And, she was right.

It's Friday and I'm Ready to Sing....

Do you all remember that Aaliyah song?? It's Friday and I'm Ready to Sing.... Pick up my girls and hit the party scene.... Sorry if ya don't, it is a pretty good song. One that I am pretty sure has gone through my head every-single-ever-lovin-Friday since it came out in like 1994.
But I digress. You know how I get on Fridays, I ramble on about stupid unrelated things and why should this Friday be any different, right?!

I went to see Inglorious Basterds the other night... Loved it! Well, actually it made me want to barf about eighteen times. People getting their heads bashed in, shot up, cut up... you get the picture. I just kept thinking that it was going to be like that scene in Stand By Me, when the kid is at the pie eating contest and he blows and then everybody blows... I couldn't do that to my fellow movie goers. I would not be "that girl" that started an ultimate barf fest at a movie... But, anyway, besides all that...it was so good and I highly recommend it, just pop a couple pepto first.

Speaking of fat kids. The kid that started the barf fest... stay with me here... I heard two things this week that DO NOT make me wonder why obesity in America is seriously out of hand. First, KFC has a new sandwich out... Bacon, two kinds of cheese and sauces are sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken. Then I heard that a city will be putting larger chairs in addition to the regular chairs in the waiting areas of bus stations and subways to accommodate those who can't fit in the regular sized chairs. Really!?!?! Am I the only person that recognizes the correlation between the two!

I have a lot more to say about that, but none of it is nice and I am really trying to work on being nice... So, moving right along I guess.

This morning at the gym a guy completely poached my kickboxing bag. And, it isn't the first time either... this son of a gun has tried it before. So, I was forced to be his partner. He wasn't quite working hard enough, I felt like, though... so I took it upon myself to give him a little motivation! Something that I am sure he appreciated at 5:30 in the morning. So, while he punched, I yelled, "PUNCH HARDER! HE STOLE YOUR WALLET!!!!!!! GEEEEEET HIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!". I bet next time he tries to steal my bag, that I moved out and got ready, he will think again.

Maybe I should refer again to the paragraph above... the one about being nice.... nah. maybe later. After all, New Years is a few months away and I will need a resolution.

Fro

It is pretty much 1000% humidity in Des Moines right now… And even though I wasted a half of a bottle of the ever fabulous Redkin “Forceful 23 Super Strength Finishing Spray”, that promises 24 hours of humidity guarding goodness, getting ready today… I pretty much look like this:

Ok, well, maybe not that sultry...

Those lying Redkin bitches! Why can’t I have cute curls in this type of rain forest environment?? Why do I have to have a gigantic, unbecoming, heap of a mess??

I am going to see Inglorious Basterds tonight…. But I can assure you, I won’t be going without a pit stop at my place to pick up a hat.

Practice

Have you ever practiced being sexy in the mirror?! If you answered "No", you are lying to me and let me tell you, you don't have to lie to kick it. I won't tell anyone!

I will freely admit that almost as often as I sing into my straight iron pretending it is a microphone, I practice my sexy in the mirror. About ninety-eight percent of the time there are two reactions that result from said practicing... I either laugh at myself and think about how absolutely ra-tarded I look or I want to throw up. There is that two percent though... and that is all I need to try it out in the real world!

Little Miss Ellie

2001 - 2009

We picked our precious little baby up in a canine Sodom and Gomorrah in Southern Illinois. It was an aweful place and Ellie was so happy to leave. From that point on, she was our baby. Literally! The look the people at the pedicure place gave me when they asked to see my "daughter", who was bundled up like a baby against my chest, and that little hairy face was looking back at them was priceless! She was smuggled in to many a movie, restaurant and store; but she was too precious to be left out in the car! Even though she was our precious little angel, she had quite the temper... If you wanted to give somebody a zerbert, it wasn't going to happen on Ellie's watch. The first deep breath in, in preparation to blow, she started showing teeth... And, the mere mention of "Kristopher" made her become a barking lunatic.

When we were sick, she was sick. When we too tired to get out of bed, so was she. She wasn't afraid bigger dogs... she was way to smart for those big stupid animals and she certainly wasn't going to play with them... after all, she didn't know she was a dog, she just knew she was our baby!

She was a really great dancer and had the smoothest head bob you will ever see. She loved to get dressed in a warm sweater and be held by whoever would offer.

Our family baby, Miss Ellie, passed away yesterday and we will all miss her so much. But, she left us with so many great memories and we were so thankful to have her for the time we did.

We love you Lil' Lala!

Gum?! Tongue Scraper?! Anyone?!

I am pretty sure that at least three people in my office went to lunch together. And, I am pretty sure that they ate onion - stuffed - garlic - ass. And, I am pretty sure that they need to keep their hot breath away from my face unless they want me to puke on them.

Humpday Happiness

I am being a lazy ass today with posting, and in lieu of a normal post I am going to share part of an email I got... These are pretty damn funny though and incredibly true.

In fact, the lady across from me asked me what I was doing, because I was laughing so hard but trying to stifle it, so it just sounded like I was heavy breathing at my desk.

And, heeeeeeere we go:

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a milli second earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm tryingto finish a text.

"LOL" has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this. Ever.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail onthe Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first timeevery time...