Babies Are Cute, Not Manly

Yesterday Fiance and I were getting some Christmas shopping done and on our list was a new addition to his side of the family, Wiley.  Wiley is his cousins two month old little babycakes!

 

Me:  Oh my gosh!  Look at this precious little rabbit sleeper!  It even has little ears!

 

Fiance:  Uuuuh.  No. 

 

Me:  Whatever.  He is a sweet little babycakes!

 

Fiance:  He is a boy.  Not a rabbit.  *He holds up a tiny leather jacket.*   He needs this, its manly.

 

Me:  And, is he going to change our tire while we are there?

 

To that, he just walked away.  I think it is less because he thought I was being unreasonable and more because he realized at that moment that I was absolutely right.

Passing Zone

The funniest thing just happened.  Well, I think it is so funny and cute, but you may just think I am just ridiculous.  It is a chance I am willing to take.

 

So, recently we hired a girl at work that is from England.  I don’t know where, but since Londy-pants is one of my very most favorite places in the whole world, I pretend she is from there and that she was really rich and got to live in an awesome flat with awesome flat mates. 

 

I wish I could talk to her only in my English Accent, like I do when by brother comes to visit.  But, like him, I think she would also want to punch me.

 

Anyway, we were both walking down the hall in opposite directions today and we went to get out of each other’s way and when I stepped to my right, she stepped to her left!  So, we were left doing the awkward pass dance.

 

Hello!  Any red blooded American knows that when you pass, you both move to the right, because that is the way our roads are!  But they drive on the opposite side of the road!!

 

I was secretly dying inside and wanted to tell her so badly, in my best English Accent, of course.

 

Ooooh, I want to go back to Londy-pants so bad…

Really?!?

On Thanksgiving morning, I woke up early so I could make it to the gym before everyone started waking up and before I needed to get the turkey in the oven. I opened the garage door to leave and backed up right into my parents van. 

 

About a week later, I was leaving for the gym and I backed into our recycling bin, that was waiting to be emptied.  I smashed into it, knocking it down and scattering our recyclables all over the street.  So, in the cold, darkness of the early morning…there I was… cleaning the street and cussing a lot.

 

You would think that I would have learned by now to simply look behind me, wouldn’t you? 

 

Well, that is a lesson I apparently have not learned.  This morning, guess who smashed into the garbage can?!  Any guesses?!  Yes.  That’s right, me.  So once again, I had to clean the street of our waste… while cussing a lot, of course.

 

I had just finished running this morning and was cleaning off my treadmill, when the lady next to me says, “Hi, I think you live in my neighborhood!  Did you hit your garbage can this morning?!” 

 

Well, that is one way to make friends, I suppose.

Things I Have Never Said In My Whole Life…

Would you like fries with that order?

Oh my gosh, I’m pregnant!

Oh, no, I can’t donate blood.  I don’t weigh enough.

I don’t know… there is just something about a man with a mustache.

Let’s go camping!

I love getting up early to go run.

Oh, that… That’s my herpes medication.

Hold on, let me get my glasses, I can’t read that.*

No problem!  I don’t mind working late, I don’t have anything else going on!

I don’t worry about that!  I have PLENTY of money!

 

*Except when I did an internship for Illinois Department of Transportation and I was trying to look the part of a smart intern by rocking fake glasses.  When my boss asked whose lens (that had popped out, but as it was clear, I hadn’t noticed) was on the floor… my cover was blown.

Happy Accident

Holy moly. I can’t write for over a week and my last post is about Tampons?! That’s great... Sorry ya’ll!

Work has been buuuuuusy recently. With days off because of the holidays, yearend information needed, new clients, a trip to Wichita... I am one busy little bee.

 

So, the other day I was going to meet my greatest friend, Ryan and his husband Bryan for a quick dinner and a catch up.  Their wedding had been a few weeks earlier, so I wanted to hear how their honeymoon went, dish about the wedding, etc.  But, before I met them, I asked Fiance how much money he put in their wedding card and he mentioned he thought I did it!

 

My greatest friend, I was in the wedding and we didn't even get him a gift?! 

 

After I told them about this "we both though each other did it" mix up, I asked if we could take them to dinner instead.

 

From now on, for all wedding presents, it will be a card with a coupon to dinner. 

 

Last night was our dinner and it was great!  We got to look at wedding and honeymoon pictures, see their house, hang out and drink lots of wine!

 

So, now that I think about it, it was more of a present for me... so, um... Sorry, Ryan!  But, I love you and I loved the night!

 

Can I Get A Witness?

If you are a boy, move right along… thanks for stopping by…  Nice seeing ya… We’ll catch up another day… 

 

If you have a vagina and/or don’t get skeeved out by the word “panties”, you can stay.

 

All in?!  Everybody good?!  Ok.

 

By a show of hands, who here works in an office??  Ok.  Thank you.  You can put your hands down now.    

 

Do any of you have to play “hide the tampon”, or is this a game only I play??

 

When I am impure*, I do not want to conspicuously carry my purse to the bathroom and we don’t have a storage area where you can keep your stuff.  So, instead, I hide my tampon somewhere on my body before going to the bathroom.

 

The problem with this game is that I work in cubical city… and they are the short cubes… so everyone can hear and see everything.

 

When I wear clothes with pockets, it is not that big of a deal…. But most days, I wear dresses and that is when I get really creative!  Sometimes I stick it down my top and hold it in my bra… but if my shirt is not fabric-y enough, I have to get it in the center of my bra, under the underwire.  *Try placing an object in the middle of your breasts and under the underwire of your bra, in the middle of a crowded office, without getting noticed.  Seriously.*  One time, I had a deep cowl neck sweater, so I just threw it on in there, with all the folds… that one was a bit risky though.  I also stick it in the waste of my pants,  but I have to be careful with that one too, because if my pants are too loose, it will just slide right down my leg and out of my pants.  I know this, because it has happened.  Luckily, I was in the bathroom by the time it had wriggled out.

 

Today, I had to go with the “in the boot” move.  Because I have no pockets and couldn’t easily get to my bra.

 

Some days, I think we should win awards, receive money, be allowed free spa services for life…. Just for being a woman.

 

*I just finished Unorthodox, The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots.  For the time being, and when I remember, I will refer to my “cycle” as my impure time, purely for my own comedic enjoyment.

And The Award Goes To........

My company’s busy time is just wrapping up.  Each year we create a theme and have t-shirts made and play occasional office games to add a little levity to a time when we would otherwise want to punch each other.

 

This year’s theme was Wizard of Oz and the wrap up party is today.  Everyone is supposed to vote on the five people that are most like the characters:  Dorothy, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow and Glinda the Good Witch.

 

Just when I thought my mane would secure me the Lion win or this would be a replay of prom and my vote count would be a big ol’ goose egg… guess who got Glinda!  Yeah, baby!  This chick!

 

Um, hello!?!  Out of the whole office, I win the beautiful, kind, princess.  They even gave me a tiara to wear to the party.

 

 

 

I would like to Reply All to the All Staff email with a speech, thanking my mother for teaching me how to always do my hair and make up nicely and God, of course, for the opportunity…

 

Wait, what?  Too much with the speech?!