Humpity Hump Day Ramble

• I have a serious fear with all this talk of H1N1 vaccinations that an I Am Legend type situation is going to happen. I don’t exactly think that Dark Seekers are going to set traps to hunt and kill us normal folks who aren’t infected… but how are we to know right now how these vaccines are going to affect us in the future and I would rather not become a mutant victim of the infected plague. Nope, not at all… I would much rather be hanging out with my cool dog singing Three Little Birds with Bob Marley!

• Here are the facts: Everybody poops. A lot of people like to read and poop. I am twenty seven years old. So, why does it still crack me up when I see someone walk into the bathroom with a magazine rolled up under their arm. Shouldn’t I be passed that by now?!

• My back feels like someone kicked it like a million times. Then, when they were done kicking me in the back, they… pause… I was going to say Donkey Punched me… but I just googled the definition and it made me blush and almost puke at the same time… So, let’s just stick with a million kicks. All I want to do is lay on the floor and groan. I am pretty sure my co-workers wouldn’t be super pumped about that.

• I have a blind date tonight. A seriously blind one, as in I don’t even know what he looks like. He could be 4’11” for all I know. I have only done one other true blind date in my life and it was awful. I was sitting at the bar and every time a guy walked in, this is what would run through my head… Oh I hope this is him, I hope this is him, I hope… or Please don’t be him, please don’t be him, please don’t… you get the point. Guess who I got. The please don’t be him guy. I was nicer then and stayed for a drink… now a days, I feel like I would just hit the road or better yet, lay on the floor and groan! And for those of you that are keeping up on this lovely little blog… for the record, the Motorcycle man did ask me out on a second date, and a third, and a fourth… but, I think that luck is when opportunity meets preparation. Tonight, opportunity knocks.

Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!

Yesterday I had my monthly book club meeting. Even though I love book club and I am reading good books that I normally wouldn’t have on my own… I always feel like quite the dork when I say anything about it. Oh well, today I wear my dork vest, proudly.

The book we just finished was The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. He was a professor that died of pancreatic cancer, but before he passed he gave a “last lecture” that was meant to leave a lasting impression with faculty and students, but more importantly leave bits of wisdom and advice to his children.

Here are some of my favorite pieces of Randy’s advice:

If there is an elephant in the room, introduce yourself! This one is funny to me, because this is how that works in my head - Hello there, Elephant. I’m Charlie Girl. You are big… Now let’s move on!!

If you think you can or can’t, you’re right. Attitude means so much.

Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining. Oh, wait, that one is mine…

Don’t listen to what a man says, pay attention to what he DOES. This is one he directed to his daughter, she was only eighteen months old at the time, but he needed her to know that this would be important in her future. I agree.

I don’t want to give too many of them away, because then you won’t need to read the book! I will tell you, though, for all you non-nerds out there that for some reason don’t think sitting down a great book and a delicious hot drink sounds ah-may-zing, the lecture can also be you-tubed. I am not going to lie though… I will probably judge you just a little if you you-tube only…

Some Tread, Some Stomp

I recently met a girl that runs an eco-friendly business. She wispily announced that she "treads lightly on the earth's surface".

I am not "green"... in fact, I would consider myself more "red"... Red as in, "Danger! Danger! She is blowing her own personal hole in the Ozone!"

I realized just how hard I was stomping when I shut the shower off the other day and still heard water running; I looked over to see that I hadn't shut off the sink after brushing my teeth.

For the sake of my water bill, any potential children I may have in the very, very, very distant future and my new lightly treading friend... I will sincerely commit to making more of an effort.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go plant a tree.

House Cleaning

I decided that I needed to address the lotion/body spray/perfume "situation" I had going on in my closet when I reached up to find a flavor and about ten bottles came crashing down on my head... What you see above is the "situation" that I am referring to. Apparently my obsessions are not limited to Lip Gloss and Coffee.

I did some consolidating of half used bottle and threw out some that were nearly empty, empty or that had probably lost their scent since due to old age. But, while the end result now fits in three tubs and looks better, I am faced with a new dilemma...

I have a major issue with using non matching flavors. Love Spell lotion, for instance, has to be paired with its Love Spell Body Spray. So, now I have the urge to go out and get the missing counterpart. I know you think I must be crazy... and I am. I agree! But, I am a delicious smelling crazy chick!

...And The Award For "Office Moron" Goes To....

A girl in our office sent out a notice that we will be getting new company polos and requested that we respond as soon as possible with the size we would like. Now, thanks to the “Reply All” button, everyone that works from my company… from here to Florida… knows that I am not only a fast responder, but that I would like a size Large.

Fantastic way to make an impression with your new company.

Wake Up Call

This morning I was awaken by the most annoying sound in the whole world… my apartment buzzer makes the most awful noise and while at first I incorporated it into my dream, I finally realized that what I was hearing was real. I looked at the clock and it said 4:01. Now, I get up at 4:30 anyway, and I think if it was truly in the middle of the night, that might have mitigated my anger. But, since it was so close to when I had to get up, I just felt like I had been jipped out of my last 30 minutes!

The buzzing would not stop and I was getting so mad, but I was kind of scared too. My phone hadn’t rang, so I figured it wasn’t anyone I knew…

Finally, I got up and went to the intercom:

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT!

SRG*: Uh… is this the Noggin residence?

CG: NO!!! SO QUIT FUCKING RINGING MY BELL!

I clearly have a foul mouth in the morning.

Then I got back into bed and began to get really scared… afterall, what if this guy is a homicidal nut job and I just pissed him off, and when I leave in 45 minutes to head to the gym he brutally beats me for being rude….

Then the buzzing began again.

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW! YOU BETTER NOT RING MY BELL AGAIN! GO HOME ASSHOSE!!!!

SRG: I can’t go home, I LIVE IN ANKENY! (He apparently had had enough of my attitude as much as I had had enough of the buzzer and was going to yell back.) I LOCKED MY KEYS INSIDE!!!

CG: NOT MY PROBLEM! AND, I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU IN, SO CALL A FRIEND, BUZZ ANOTHER APARTMENT.

Ahhh. Silence.

More fucking buzzing.

CG: I swear to God you asshole I am going to call the police.

SRG: Good, I don’t care, call them.

So I did. Three numbers in fact. AND GOT ANSWERING MACHINES! I didn’t feel like this was truly a 911 type of emergency, but I did make a mental note to find out what the non-emergency number was… since clearly my quick blackberry browser search yielded incorrect results….

Ahhh… Silence again. So, I gave up on the po-po. And, missed out on my final minutes of cozy, precious, sleep.

I am not going to lie though, I strategically placed keys in between each one of my fingers when I headed out this morning, just in case he was waiting for me…

* SRG: Some Random Guy

Misguided Comforts of Home

I have an amazing family; anyone that has ever spoken to me for more than five minutes has heard and anyone that has met them knows firsthand.

They are the family that you can be completely open and relaxed with. I know that if I called my parents tonight and said that I am moving home and intend to focus all of my time and money into an Alpaca farm, they would be supportive. If I shaved my head and tattooed my scalp, they would all laugh at me, but inevitably support me. In fact, I am fairly certain that they would unconditionally love me in any and all circumstances, except if I became a stripper… but, that is another story, another blog…

Being in Des Moines, though, with nobody that loves me like them has conditioned me to be a little more conservative in almost all aspects of my life. You just never know how people are going to take things, so I choose to let my freak flag fly at home and only truly let myself be free when I am around my fam.

This poses a problem, however, when it comes to shopping in Peoria. My sister and my mom get me all comfortable and tell me how great I am… then I try on something that is way to jazzy for my “Des Moines” self and those crazy asses convince me that I can totally pull it off. Well, let me tell you… The weekend comes to an end, I drive the four miserable hours through pockets of cow ass smell, back and find out that they lied to me!!

The first time this happened with a pair of huge-o Nicole Richie style sun glasses and some ridiculously high black heels. Both items were super cute… for someone other than me… This time it is a high waisted gray pencil skirt that wins the prize for inappropriate purchase of the weekend. There are two words that should never be uttered together when discussing items in my (or my grandma’s) closet… High and Waisted.

I can’t think of anything less flattering… but, thanks to my supporting, loving, misguiding, jackass family members, that is exactly what I have been rocking all day long.